Wednesday, November 30, 20055:14 PMcurrent music : AND I AM UNOFFICIALLY FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this whole mad euphoria has not fully sank in yet. is my high school life over already? 3 weeks of crazy papers its untimely end? i came home, stared at my desk and i didnt know what to do. there was this really weird urge to go shower, then pick up a textbook and read. i KNOW, wtf is wrong with me?!?! 3 Biology papers today marked the (unofficial) end of SPM for moi. how was it, you ask? Paper 1 was really good. Paper 2 was even BETTER. after i finished Paper 2, i was like AHHA, worried bout Bio for nothing, cos both papers went so well that i was pretty sure i could get that A. and aiya how hard can Paper 3 be anyway?! build a few potometers, repeat experiments 3 times to obtain average, come up with a few hypotheses .. what's the trouble ler? :D kawan kawan sekalian, here is where i tell you that IT IS NEVER SMART TO BE COCKY BEFORE ALL YOUR PAPERS ARE OVER. cos Bio Paper 3 sucked monkey balls. nobody told me that peanuts are under the Lipids food group!!!!!!! DR ATKINS SAID THAT PEANUTS ARE CARBOHYDRATES, OKAY?!?! it was a very very bad ending to my (unofficial) last day of SPM. why lah end like that?! was it cos i was so cocky bout my first two papers? :( :( sob sob okie lah i take it back. i take it all back!!! i'll even study for EST now :( sniff. edit : ohhhhhhhhh right i forgot to say that i got back my Testimonial from the school today. haha that @#$% slip of paper carries no meaning at all for me cos it was written by someone who knows absolutely nothing about me. here is why : i was given a B for ...... Initiative. excuse you! i'm like the #1 Most Initiative Person for miles and miles and miles around, okay?! she's implying that i've got no direction of my own! now that's just crazy. and very very mean. then right, she gave me a B for Attitude Towards Studies. eh excuse you one more time. you see my blog, the WHOLE FREAKING MONTH i've been yapping and yapping incessantly about SPM, how does this mean that i have a below average take on my academics?! sob sob. i take my studies very seriously okay. she just has to know that i see education differently compared to the rest of the ppl in my class. and that i got my own study methods okay :( i feel so insulted. first she say i takde initiative, then she say i have poor attitude towards academics! okay. here's the best part. she gave me an A for Attendance. ...... HAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Tuesday, November 29, 20055:10 PMcurrent music : and i bring you more news from the exam hall!!!
literature last friday was shit. by shit i mean i didnt have enough time to complete the Poetry component. had to rush through my Novel component as well cos i saw the potential panic i would face for Poetry ... so yeah fcked that one up too. i did my Poetry component in 10 minutes -- it's really supposed to take about 35 minutes cos it carries 25% of our grade. so, sigh, please do kill me now. A1 is so totally out of the question unless i've got an examiner who thinks that whatever crap i could spew in 10 minutes about why Suhaimi Haji Muhammad's poem was not about his daughter's life being ruined, was actually intellectually stimulating and so bloody insightful that it's totally deserving of a 12-mark grade. tell you what stupid things i did lah. see, for each component, there's this 5-mark question where they give you an extract and ask you to quote information directly from said extract. it's really very easy. say they quote you the part where Capulet tells Tybalt that Romeo is a fine man, Verona speaks good of him, he's courteous, he's polite, he's a good swordsman, blablablablablaa ... and the question given is 'State two characteristics of Romeo'. so basically the answer is quite simple, you just say 1. Romeo is courteous and 2. Romeo is a good swordsman, and just elaborate a little on each. usually it's no more than 4 sentences. I, DUMBASS OF THE YEAR, WHO NEVER LEARNS DESPITE GOING THROUGH 11 WHOLE YEARS OF OVER-ELABORATING ALL MY EXAM ESSAYS, WROTE 1-PAGE-LONG ANSWERS WHEN IT SHOULD BE ONLY 4 FREAKIN SENTENCES. yes, shaddup la, i feel bad enough already. anyway i had Chemistry today. Paper 1 was tough but good, 3 mistakes so far which is great. Paper 2 was really easy, but of course i managed to find a way to screw it up by not being able to complete my last essay on time. better yet, i found out later that it was wrong anyway. hah! bodoh, supposed to use a u-tube, i went and used two porous pots in a salt solution. brilliant!! also found out after 2nd paper that i probably completely FUCKED UP half of the paper, because i memorized the EC series wrongly. carbon in place of copper. which is devastating because we all know Copper is the Almighty Element in chemistry. bloody shit! people, this is why that stupid 'Kalau Nak Kahwin...' mnemonic is LAME AND IDIOTIC. DONT USE IT!!! boycott it i shall. paper 3 was good lah. alloy came out for experiment report, which is cool cos i love alloys cos they're shiny and stuff. so yeah, an A is gonna be pretty tough to get for chem. le sigh. there goes my hope of getting straight A's! (eh, you know what's funny, i actually think that i did better for my Add Maths than my Literature. hahahahahahahaha isnt this just the FUNNIEST THING YOU EVER HEARD?!) also, did i mention that tomorrow's Biology papers are my pseudo last papers?! :D we've got EST on friday but that doesnt count so omgwtfbbtq 24 hours and i'll be completely liberated from this bane that is SPM! icantwait.argh! edit: forgot to mention that my school has some seriously brave people. i mean, they actually hid NOTES in the WASHROOM! like stuck it under the toilet seat or something like that. and the chief invigilator found the notes somemore. wahlauweh. i thought my Head Prefect being the only person in my class to cheat during papers was quite gempak already, but this one takes the cake! spm also can cheat until like that?!
Monday, November 28, 20053:09 AMcurrent music : okay so i got a question.
say you've got some very very obvious flaws about you that everyone around you knows about and are unfortunate enough to experience firsthand. only of course, you dont know that you're being irritating or that you're repelling other people. you just think you're really cool. so one day you wake up and realize that no one really wants to be around you anymore. my question is, would you want people to tell you exactly how the fck you screwed up? or would you just wanna live in your ignorant bliss, cos you wouldnt be able to take the harsh cruelty of the fact that you're not God's gift to all mankind? i ask this question because this dilemma has been a very recurrent theme in my life lately. of course, i'm not the one who's repelling people lah -- i'm just the person who's in a serious mental and emotional tug-of-war, le sob! see, i've got these friends. they're not very nice. people are starting to not wanna be nice to them either, you know? dilemma : should i let the cat out of the bag so that said friends may benefit from the knowledge, or should i just shut up in order to protect his/her feelings as well as the reputations of others? i've done both. there was a person lately (you know who you are :D) whom i kinda blew up at and in the process of blowing up kinda spilled the beans that people have been making a conscious effort to avoid said person. and then from that point on it was no turning back, what's said is said and i had to plough on through the whole thing with 101% honesty. said person took it quite well actually, but i still felt SO FUCKING INCREDIBLY BAD for having to be the one to hurt his feelings. i've also done the latter, which was to shut up and not say a thing to this certain person (i sure as heck hope you dont know who you are) because well, i along with 20000 other people didnt think that it would be safe to say anything. but the thing is, because we didnt say anything, this person still goes around annoying the shit out of EVERYBODY and making more and more enemies only to turn around at the end of the day and go, "huh? why does everybody hate me?" i know it's not my place to tell someone all that kind of stuff ... but i know that if people were having a problem with me, i'd want to know, instead of having other people bitch about me behind my back. sometimes when i listen to the shit that people can say about other people, i just want to like .. tell that person, "hey, you know what, people have been saying this about you, and i dont know if you even care, but i just thought you may want to know, cos at least now you know and you can deal with things better. yeah. okay. bye." lately i've been having this urge to just give people a piece of my mind. though of course sadly i still dont do it very well. it's like i cakap halfway then i have to stop cos i feel damn bad. argh. anyway yes this post is getting a tad superfluous, so back to the question. if you were repelling the people around you for some reason unbeknownst to you, would you want your friends to tell you why? or do you just not give a rat's ass what other people have to say about you?
Sunday, November 27, 20055:50 AMcurrent music : and when i die i want you cut into little stars...
everywhere i go i swear i see you. when i go into crowded places with many faces it has become an obsessive compulsion to quickly rake my frantic eyes over each and every person just to see if you are here. here. here with me. i feel like a drug addict who has gone cold turkey. i want what i need and i need what i cant have. this is just too abrupt for me and really, i cant take this. things whirled by us too fast perhaps and now it's all gone. i'm nearing december now but it feels like july never ended. bring back all the incense and the new age music, i'll take it now, really i will. you mentioned that place with the good cheesecake. i had to go in there just to try it. when i sat down i wondered if this was the table you sat at when you were here. was this your chair? did the same waitress serve you? if only this place had walls that spoke. i'd talk to them and i'd ask them all about you, so that they may tell me things about you that i have yet to learn. your suave idiosyncrasies that taste like white wine on my lips and then is gone before i even know it. if i could go back to then i wouldnt have taken things for granted. i wouldnt have said those things and i wouldnt have made you cry. i would have taken all my catty cutting words back and i would have held your hand more. i would have done the little things like rest my head against your shoulder and trace the veins on your arm and i would have i would have i would have. i dont feel for you the way i squeeze my eyes shut and try to stop thinking about you so i can sleep at night. i dont feel for you the way i cry when i watch sad love stories. i dont feel for you the way i try to burn all the things that ever meant something. no it's nothing like that. this is different, this is new. this is feeling for you like i want to write a whole book about you in black cursive on ivory paper with a feather quill. this is feeling for you like i want to lie down with you on some faraway grassy hill and have the unseen camera pan around us 50000 dizzy times before it loses itself in the sky. this is feeling for you like how i wished i had taken that chance instead of being so bloody stupidddddddd. we never had the goodnight sleeptight sort of relationship. why?
Friday, November 25, 20051:01 AMcurrent music : so this morning i ran out of the elevator into the parking lot even before the doors fully opened, cos i had paged for a cab and had kept this one waiting for a full 10 minutes simply cos i couldnt decide what to wear. in the end i just threw on a pair of jeans and a tshirt and had to rush back inside my house twice cos i had to get my forgotten mobile phone, and then my literature books the 2nd time round.
i burst into the cab with twenty thousand apologies and several repetitions of my usual lame excuse for being late, 'sorry, the elevator broke down!' the cabbie gave a short bark of laughter and said in cantonese, 'very usual for your apartment's residents..' before he started driving. then he peered at me thru the beat-up rearview mirror, raised an eyebrow and said 'going to Ampang Point, right?' and so i said yes. then he chuckled and said, 'not going to Taman Supreme anymore?' i was startled. the only significance Taman Supreme had to me was that it was where my ex-boyf lived. i havnt even heard or uttered the phrase 'Taman Supreme' for almost 2 years now. so i took a look at the cabbie's code number, and saw that it was #10. "ohh!! you used to send me to Taman Supreme, right?" "yea! glad you remembered. it's been almost 4 years" "3, actually." "haha 3,4 .. doesnt matter if you're as old as me. so how's your guy? doing good?" "broke up 3 years ago too, hahaha. you should have figured as much ever since you stopped hearing 'from pandan indah to taman supreme' on your radio!" "oh actually i did. aiyah, young love like yours never lasts wan. so how's it going now?" "he shifted, actually, no longer in Taman Supreme. he changed schools and stuff too. and we both see other people now" "ohh ... he was a cute guy. i used to think you two were the most serious young couple i've ever seen! i remember once he brought you flowers ...." and our conversation went on and on until he dropped me at ampang. usually i dont like conversing with cabbies, because my cantonese sucks and it's mentally draining to carry out discourse in a language you're not articulate in. especially so when the cabbies start talking witty or discuss serious matters, cos it kills me that i could shoot back something equally witty in english or share my opinion on said serious matter, but cant cos they dont speak english!!!! but this dude was different. i mean, yeah he doesnt speak english and stuff, but our paths once crossed many times in a week, and it was most cool that i got to meet him again after all these years. he told me lots of stuff about the conversations he had with the ex, and mentioned how he was a very charming young man with a great sense of humour. he then asked if i still go with my boyfriends to mid valley on saturday afternoons to catch movies, hahaha. it was very nice, stepping into a gallery of nostalgia for 15 minutes. 3 years passed so fast. i remember when we broke up it was december 15th 2002 right after camp ended. i remember thinking that this is going to take ages to get used to, and in hindsight it really did take ages. i never did forget him and all that he meant to me, right up until today. that idiot tweety bird who used to criticize my baking even though i know he secretly really liked it. boys are such bad liars. my hair is so long now that everytime i turn around, it swishes against my elbow and scares me cos i keep thinking there's a bug on my elbow or something. back in 02 my hair barely grazed my shoulders. 02 was my nice year. i was nice to everybody. now i'm not. now i'm older. and so i went to Coffee Bean to read up on my literature today. got coffee and settled down in one of the big brown armchairs to read my text. i was extremely frustrated and annoyed at myself today because i havent touched my lit syllabus in like 3 months, and the realization that i'll fail my lit if i dont get a move on in the time span of 24 hours kinda sank in. so yes i was pissed and angry and not really in much mood to know why the flying fck evil is inherent in all of us and ultimately causes the downfall of society as allegorized by William Golding in his world-famous literary work, The Lord of the Flies. 7 hours later i was getting even more frustrated cos i was tired and really just wanted to go home and surf the net, read blogs and shit. but then this woman came in to the cafe with her husband and her baby. she put the baby in the stroller at the table next to mine, then went to the counter with her husband to hassle the staff by means of their ignorance of modern coffee, just like how all other adults who come into coffee bean do. i normally dont look at babies unless they are very, very cute. but this baby was just so fucking annoying that i had to stare at it. it kept BANGING on the wooden table and emitting all these gurgly sounds like heheheughruhgurhgurhHEEEHEEE. so i stared at it, trying to will my mind to send telephatic babytalk messages to the baby to tell it to shutuppls. i think it worked cos then the baby looked up at me. and then it had the nerve to SMILE. and it was the cutest thing ever. like seriously. i felt bad for thinking it was fucking annoying when it was really just SO DARN ADORABLE. i watched it play with nonexistent dangling things in the air, watched it try to chew its own toes, watched it accidentally knock its head on the table and then do the whole blink-2-seconds-and-then-cry thingie, before its parents came to get it. for a while there it was just weird. babies are so simple. there the thing was, just sitting there in a pink pajama set in a pink stroller with a pink pacifier (hey man, my kinda baby) and here i was with my stack of books and furious forest of white paper marred with frantic notes spread out over two tables. the baby's skin was so smooooth and apple rosy. i was pale and tired with frowns permanently etched into my forehead and dark circles under my eyes that wouldnt be placated with 3 hours of sleep daily. a triple shot latte was sitting on my table just near enough to reach out for whenever i needed life support, but all the baby wanted was the chocolate chip cookie on her dad's plate. i wanna go back to being a baby. things were so simple. the only stain in your life is when you dont get chocolate chip cookies or when you drop your pacifier. even then when you cry, you dont have to try to hide it cos when you're young you dont know that crying in front of others is just not right. no need to blink back tears or play critical social chess with derisive opponents when you're a baby. oh yah, no need to take spm when you're a baby too. and you get to eat all the chocolate chip cookies you want without worrying bout being fat. I WANNA BE A BABY!
Wednesday, November 23, 20057:29 PMcurrent music : HAH!!!!!
I AM FINALLY RID OF THIS SCOURGE CALLED ADDITIONAL MATHEMATICS!!!!!! good-bloooooooooooodyyyyy-riddance! add maths, you evil pernicious bane, you can go pack your trigofunction bags and double derivative differentiation duffels and just LEAVE ME ALONE now, omgwtfbbq kthxbai! fuwah :D add maths today went okay, thankfullyyyy. i dont wanna expect or predict my grade for add maths, because it's just way too scary. i thought i did well, but then i'm known to make the stupidest and most careless mistakes when it comes to add maths, so for now i'm not gonna target anything. BUT ARGH I SURE AS HECK HOPE IT'S AN A-GRADE. moral studies paper yesterday was fine. my schoolmates all finished damn early, but i was still rushing my essay when they announced that time was up. sob! am also hearing a lot of varying disputes about the written format of the essays and the marking schemes, how we were all taught the wrong format and stuff,so blah! i probably have lost my A for Moral :( spm shit aside, i'm just really really drained. i've got my Literature paper up in 2 days, and i dont feel prepared at all. this is the only subject where i dont really have good footing, because i've never sat for a Lit paper prior to this. blagh dont really know what to expect, so i just hope a good night's sleep will do me good come friday morning! okay yes i do realize that i said spm shit aside and then went on to talk about spm. so spm shit aside for real, i'm just really really drained. and disappointed at the way some people are behaving. i honestly dont feel that i'm asking too much. but yet time and time again i get let down for the lamest and most ridiculous of reasons. i mean, i only have so much patience. i only have so much feelings available for people to abuse and fling around before throwing them back at me. sometimes i dunno when this will end. telling them off or being truthful about the fact that i'm really not happy seems to require more energy than i can muster, so most of the time i just suck it in and bear it in the hopes that if i tolerate this, things will change but of course no they never do. siiiiigh. yesterday i went to a good friend's place for some last-minute add maths cramming. was supposed to stay there for like only 3 hours, but i ended up staying about 7 hours + until 12.30am. total amount of add maths work accomplished = half a sample paper. cos we spent almost the entire time talking, talking and just .. talking. usually i get quite annoyed if i meant to study but was sidetracked, but yesterday's conversation was something i wouldnt have traded even for an A in add maths. i donno, it was a very refreshingly enlightening emo talk about leaving school, friendship and discord among friends. i almost cried like 3958094386 times. went home feeling oddly depressed. am still depressed. ribena didnt help today. friends are very strange things. sometimes they're just ... .. .... when i come up with something worthy to describe friends, i'll remember to edit the above sentence.
Monday, November 21, 20054:14 AMcurrent music : are you guys tired of hearing about my SPM yet?! 6 more subjects, 6 more subjects 6 more subjectssssss.
add maths papers are in 2 days, and we all know about the story of Su Ann who has only passed add maths like, once in her entire life. and that was with a 54%. oh shut up. add maths is in no way an accurate gauge of anyone's intelligence. i bet all you weird add maths people who score 101% for your papers cant own in The Sims 2 like i do!!! okay, i shall set myself the impossibly optimistic target of getting an A for SPM Add Maths. i dont hope for an A1, but an A2 isnt unreachable. i can do it!!! ..... i think. :( and you shall all be witnesses to the setting of this target. if i dont get that A for Add Maths, i give you the right to buy me ice cream. cookies and cream please. baskin robbins will do if you dont have the moolah for haagen dazs. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. you know what's the problem with me? simply because the first week of papers went well, i'm like completely slacking now. as most of you know by now, i completely SKIPPED my friday cos i slept 26 hours from thursday night, and proceeded to wake up very disoriented on saturday morning. so i have no friday to speak of. saturday was spent talking to sponsors and hotel, spending 3 hours in an unknown church with unknown people, going online and then sleeping some more. then today was spent attempting to study, yet not going past a quarter of a Chemistry chapter and approximately 3 add maths questions. NICE! How To Know If You Belong In 5ScG of Sri Garden 1. "dielah, sure fail!" means a B3 or less 2. during exams, when people are griping about how they had no time to finish the paper, you are crying about how you didnt have enough time to check over your answers 3. you are super paranoid during exams, and even bring in a 30cm ruler to draw graphs when a simple 15cm ruler would suffice 4. you bring in two calculators to the exam hall 5. when your friends complain about how they fucked up a certain question in the paper, you secretly feel happy 6. when your friend complains about how they fucked up a certain question in the paper, you say: "you think that's bad?! i did worse!" and then proceed to explain how your mistake was worse than their mistake. and then you secretly feel happy. 7. you spend 20 minutes after any paper discussing the answers with your classmates 8. every exam to you is either difficult or okay, it's never "easy" or "good" 9. you never leave the hall early when a paper is going on 10. you secretly think people who leave the hall early are weird. no need to check your answers twice wan issit?! 11. when you say you "pasrah" or you "slept the whole day", it means you have been studying the whole day and then some 12. when you get exam tips, you dont share them with anybody, best friends included 13. then you diss people who dont share exam tips. 14. when a teacher hates you, it's the end of the world as you know it 15. you are super involved in co-curricular activities because aiya, good for leaving cert ma ... 16. you think it's okay to sabotage people during exams 17. during tuition classes, the whole class has to learn whatever YOU want to learn ("hah? you want to do Thermochem? for what?! all calculation only, so easy! we do Industrial Chemistry la!") 18. you talk in high-pitch and start to shake about 15 minutes before the exam starts. you also pick on everything people say due to your panic, and you are so panicked that you dont realise that everyone is slowly moving away from you... 19. you cry when you find out you lost 1 mark in a structure question that everyone else got right 20. you can come up with good reasons or excuses for all of the above 21. you thought "eh is she talking about me ar?" at least 5 times while reading the list
Sunday, November 20, 200512:59 AMcurrent music : there was a time we were so close our lips touched. your lips were dry and mine were surprised and there was the crackly feeling of wary tension in the air. soft cushions and many excuses were under us and at that moment i thought, this is it, there is no turning back. i jumped headlong into it and now i am falling from an unknown height as if i jumped with my back to the ground. what am i falling into? when will this stop?
tired eyes and hugo boss cologne. who would have thought such simple things could have been so incredibly irresistible? did you know what you meant to me when you took my hand in yours and kissed my fingers one by one? how i ache for the sleepy heady days we would spend just curled up in each other, basking in lazy sunday morning light. you would nip at me and play with my hair and i would drop chocolate pieces in your mouth and we would play kissing games with the chocolate. i ache, i ache, i ache. i havent spoken to you in so long but isnt that always the case? cold shoulders after something so meaningful are almost customary in this day and age and sometimes i find myself questioning the purpose of this ridiculous tradition. why cant we get over it? why all this immature badmouthing and pretending-i-dont-see-you when i really did, and all i wanted was to just run into your arms and cry and tell you how much i missed you? i passed by that place yesterday at 4 in the morning. i wanted to go in there and buy something and put it up on my ceiling because it would remind me of you. but then it would remind me of you and so i didnt want to buy anything. this is crazy this is insane why cant i freakin stop thinking about you? you have taken up too much of my time and it annoys me that you do. go haunt some other girl. okay dont. we both know i just like the drama. today was weird. by some random fluke of nature, i ended up in a church when i havent stepped foot in one for months. i didnt even know anybody there. the only rapport i had with the person who brought me there was that he borrowed a pen from me once and he said "biology?" to my chemistry books in coffee bean last week. weird weird weird. but i liked the place. i really, really liked it. for once, saying "i'm christian, yea, but sadly i dont go to church" didnt elicit the response of "what?! but to be a strong christian you must go to church!" or the ever-sympathetic "oh ... i see ...." it was most strange and i wasnt used to it because they were so welcoming and didnt immediately zoom in on my skirt and go WALAUWEH! and when they saw my cellphone and my shoes they didnt roll their eyes and go "just another rich girl". and when we conversed, their sentences werent punctuated with "COME JOIN THIS CHURCH, YOU POOR LOST SOUL" subliminaries that arent all that subtle anyway. strangeness. but the place was so homey. i have missed church.
Thursday, November 17, 20055:57 PMcurrent music : PHYSICS ROCKEDDDDDD!
but more on that laterrrrr. right now i've got a hot blonde slytherin wizard to ogle. that's right people, yours truly is going to watch the GOBLET OF FIRE!!! be jealous :D byebye! edit : i just slept for 26 hours and now i feel very disoriented. blah.
Wednesday, November 16, 20058:56 PMcurrent music : HI!
i dont care if you guys dont wanna hear all my SPM stories. i will tell you anyway. for y'all older ppl, the purpose is so that you will take pity on me while reminiscing about your own traumatic experience as an SPM slave, and hopefully buy me some nice chocolates while you're at it cos pendidikan moral says you must have belas kasihan!!! for the younger ones, it's so that you all will menjadikan this as iktibar (hey sejarah came out this question ok) and prepare more for your SPM ......... unlike poor pinkpau who has to pay the price now for being a major slacker ever since the day she was born :( for the non malaysians, this post will have no purpose for you :P actually if you can even understand what is to follow, it's cool already because i'm sleepy and angry and tired and am in no mood at all to blog in any other language besides english-campur-malaysian-slang .. so i do apologize! okie yay let's start :D Bahasa Malaysia 1 BM language essay paper, one guided essay and one continuous writing. haha okay lah, when i opened the paper and saw GEJALA VANDALISME for guided i almost wanted to LAUGH OUT LOUD. vandalisme?!?!?! what happened to all the pertanian, kraftangan and khidmat negara shit!? hahahaa. but i happy la of cos. who wouldnt be! beats faedah-faedah khidmat negara anyday! as for continuous, i did the customary Remaja question. it's like about how keluarga plays peranan in membentuking sahsiah remaja. hahaha man, the moment i saw that i circled straightaway and started writing. like writing my life story only :D if only my mom could read this. then maybe she will feel guilty and spend more time with me!!! *shakes fist* cos of her negligence lah i turn out to be some remaja kurang asam. sniff. Bahasa Malaysia 2 wahhhhhhhhh i dunno how you people knew Puteri Li Po would come out!!! so pro ler you all. but it was alright la cos i did those questions before. the rest of the komsas was okay also. tatabahasa was slightly weird, and as usual i had to rush through it because as usual i napped about 20 minutes in between questions and as usual the invigilator had to wake me up. sucks man. peribahasa was okie la, at first i couldnt remember the berat mata memandang one, but then last minute got ILHAM so i got it. and then WAHHHHH novel component was damn bloody stupid lor. okie lah the whole world knew perbandingan was going to come out right (to those who didnt, stop scolding me can, i thought you knew about it ma), but wah this perbandingan wasnt perbandingan watak or nilai or tema .. but .... LATAR TEMPAT? random like anything! to ex spm students, you people are lucky okay. 2005 batch tanggung your burden. we had to do a NOVEL COMPARISOOONNNN. not fair, you guys got to do just one =( we on the other hand had to read two!!! bukit kepong sux btw. sorry lah ismail johari, next time write more girly stuff for girly girls like me lerrrr. Sejarah 1 was tougher than expected. when i got to question 3 i was like huh what srishgjfghkdfhkgjd is this?! tak pernah dengar pun! but in the immortal words of one of the people i admireeee most *rolls eyes*, i tembak also correct ar! hehe no lah. but sejarah 1 was okay though. i thought i screwed it up but when i went home and marked my paper i got like 35/40. not bad lahhhhhhhh right. okie all u smart ppl who got like 40/40 can shaddup now, cos i'm not very bright you see and so 35/40 is GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME so DONT BURST MY BUBBLE. eh bubble. p1v1=p2v2. hahaha tomorrow got physics. Sejarah 2 HAHAAAA I LOVE MR RAJ. all of us exited the hall like wanna murder ppl liao. when i say none of the spotted questions came out, i mean NOT EVEN ONE. all the simple shit like MU and PTM and Sistem Ahli wasnt even asked AT ALL. instead, we got things like Undang2 Rom, Sumbangan Islam dalam Bidang Seni .. and dunno what other weird things lah. but luckily they asked KBKK questions so can gain marks there. but all unexpectedness aside though, i actually think i did fairly well. essay section questions were nice, i felt. English 1 english essay paper with one guided and one continuous. okie lah i swear i really wanted to keep my guided essay within the word limit this time, but i COULDNT HELP IT. they asked about CAMPING and well i just went for camp and it was really good too so i wrote and wrote and wrote ... and argh left 45 minutes for continuous. kena marah by encik iskhandar when he heard bout this. sniff :( he doesnt wub me. but anyway it was tough picking the question for continuous cos all the q's were nice. finally settled on the 'biggest challenge in your life' one after like dunno how long of pondering. did kinda okay. English 2 it was good. i really respect ice sculptors now. Mathematics 1 & 2 just had both of these today. it was okay lah, typical maths paper, just that i was damn sleepy for the first paper so i actually slept for like 15 mins (stupid me, i know). made a few mistakes in paper 1, very very careless mistakes but nvm, i YAN. fucked up my probability question in paper 2 as well, but nevermind, i YAN also. so for me its BM, English, Maths, Sejarah and IT down. another sevennnnnnnnn more to go. tomorrow is physics. die! prior to this i terlampau overconfident bout my physics so i put it aside for bio, bio bio. now that it is time for physics physics physics, i realize i forgot all that i learnt for the trials and shit. awww man. someone please pick me up and revive me when i die in the hall tomorrow :( okay lah i know my SPM stories very boring so i will shaddup now. i'm already thinking about all the things i wanna do after SPM. first of all, i will hibernate for 3 days to catch up on all the lost zzzzz. my bed misses me. 2ndly i will play Sims 2 for like .. a day. then i will bloghop and catch up on all this blogosphere dramahhhhhh that's going on right now. aisey, ppl can fight man. very scary. after skimming through a bit of the dramahhhhh, i am beginning to find cute lil small spaces like pinkskyes.tripod.com very comforting indeedy :D SLEEPY. wish me luck for physics lahhhhhhh :(
Monday, November 14, 20055:12 AMcurrent music : *inhales*
*exhales* .... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, November 11, 20051:31 AMcurrent music : dont you just hate it when you're BOILING MAD and arranging in your mind the best possible way to diss in your blog the Idiotic Subject Of Your Boilingly Mad Anger, you come home and sit in front of your pc to blog about the whole shiznit, only to find out that you're not really very angry anymore?
i do so hate when this happens!!! am i suddenly not allowed to diss people on my blog?! angry girls need a place to vent too :( fuh. was really pissed earlier but now i'm not that pissed anymore (thanks to ribenaaaaa), but for the sake of writing something i shall induce anger by thinking about this fat ugly lizard i saw in my room yesterday morning. OMG!!! A LIZARD IN MY ROOM. i freaked and freaked and cried when i saw it :( :( :( the worst part about it is that it ran away into GODKNOWSWHERE when my rescue team tried to catch it. sobbbbbb. it's living among my stuff. this is scary. how am i going to sleep and study?! okay so now that i'm angry all over again, i shall blog. .. okie i really, really really really really hate it when people do not respect my space. when i SAY "look, i really cant talk right now cos i've got some studying to do", it means : "look, i really cant talk right now cos i've got some studying to do." is it that hard to understand that i've got a majorly huge government exam in 4 days, and that i've got shitloads more to read and hence cannot really spare the time to talk about the 1001 Ways A Person Can Obtain Rock Hard Abs In 7 Days, when i've already spent a whole hour layaning the subject of 999 Ways To Complain About Girls Who Dont Give A Shit About You?!?!?! if there was actually a serious problem at hand, or if the person was genuinely upset, i really dont mind taking time off to share said problems with said person. but if it's an entire conversation revolving around STUPID SELFISH TOPICS then i'm sorry, but i believe a good dose of STFU is in order. fjgkdfjgkjdhfkjgf. it's not that i tak layan or anything u know, i actually do sit down and discuss those stupid selfish topics ...... but hey i have limits. and a severe lack of patience as well when it comes to this horrible concoction of stupidity and selfishness. and then when i very politely say, "hey, i kinda gotta go, exams coming up and stuff", you know what they do?! they resort to sending me 500000000 smses that go along the line of "hey, why no reply?" or "hey did you get my last 4999999 messages?" or "hey why you ignoring me? did i do something wrong ar? hello? hello? please reply me!" and then of course, on MSN ... there is the annoying NUDGE. WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE "BUSY. DO NOT DISTURB" STATUS THAT SOME PPL JUST DONT UNDERSTAND?! very hard to grasp issit, this 'busy' concept?! it means i've got shit to do, and no i cant talk, and stop asking me stupid questions like "why are you on MSN if you are busy?!" @#&#*%&(*#^#^ hello, you think avoiding you is the only thing for me to do on MSN issit? i cannot be recieving files or discussing important things with other people issit?! i cannot be talking to people i actually want to talk to issit? TIU NIA SING AH. i cant even do my work on the pc without being subjected to that ever-annoying Nudge. i swear, it's the worst invention in the whole wide world. my brother's bad breath also not that annoying. and i've got this other gripe. what is it with people who ask "eh how much have you studied for SPM?" and then reply "yeah right, i bet you read 20000 chapters already" when i answer that i havent done much? HONESTLY SPEAKING LA, for the past week i've only read like one chapter of biology and like 4 pages of physics and that's it. very hard to believe issit now? you try running up and down liasing with sponsors, waking up late every day for the past 7 days, meeting hotel ppl, writing proposals, faxing shit, attending useless tuition classes, temaning relatives, comparing prices of stuffs that are located on opposite ends of can u people dont be so kiasu or not. i understand that it's SPM season and everyone is very high-strung and tension is very .. tensiony right now, but there is no need to act like idiots. just because you people have this tendency to sabotage other people by saying "aiyaaaaa i never studied at all!!" doesnt mean that everyone around you treats people the same way. FIRST CLASS SUCKS because of attitudes like this. study then study lah. why must hide the fact? why so worried that people will feel challenged by you and then put in extra effort? why this inferiority complex? SPM is a time to saling membantu, not saling membackstab. freakin annoying. macamlah during trials all the sabotage shit was not terrible enough. being in the 1st class for so long, i learnt that it's never good to say you never studied, lest people think that you are a lying conniving sabotaging biatch. so sometimes, i do the opposite and i say i studied damn a lot. actually no lah i dont say that, i just weave in syllabus-related puns to the conversation at hand, but anyway here is the response that i get in return from my lovely classmates : "wahhhhh no need to show off that you study so much wan!!" ........!? it's either that or "omg you studied more than me!!! which chapter are you at now? i go back today and finish the same chapter!!!" so kiddies, here's a lesson, if you ever find yourself in the first class of the science stream of my lovely school, dont ever tell your classmates that you studied a lot, or that you studied too little. next time just shaddup and act dumb. like me. anyway yeah blogging this post has made me realize that SHIT, i've done near 0 studying this week. and i'm only 4 days away from SPM. kanasai. what am i to do. tomorrow whole day busy with prom shit too, then got open house at night. pfft, sometimes i get quite dulan about the whole prom thing. too many things to do, not enough people. sucks that all but 3 people in the committee is having SPM now and so they all cant help. how?! wait, is this all i had to complain about? i remember i was angry about so many things i wanted to strangle myself. okay shucks i cant remember the other crap i wanted to complain about, my memory is failing me. aku punya otak sedang diphagocytosiskan. nooooooooo. sooner or later i will have no more brain :( okie enough of all the negativity. i shall now forget that ugly BIG FAT LIZARD hidden somewhere in MY ROOM, and i shall think about ...... ribena and roti planta. and Alexis tiramisu cake. yeah. hey you know what, i believe i have single handedly proven the Impulsive force formula wrong. okay lah maybe not that grand, but i swear to you that the (mv-mu)/t formula does not work when you are utilizing the toilet. wait waitttttt, hear me out first. you know how in physics there's always this question of how to reduce damage upon collision, and the 2-mark answer is always "increase time before collision so that momentum upon impact is decreased"? yeah well, i PROVED IT WRONG. here's how i did it. i was in this cafe, okay? and i needed to poop very badly. arrived at the washroom to find that the toilet seats are in very deplorable condition ... but i still needed to use the toilet. so i didnt sit on the toilet seat because ew that's just gross, instead what i did was position myself in this half-standing position above the bowl, and i pooped with my butt slightly elevated above the bowl. (hehehe smart leh, pay me royalty if you wanna use my Shitting Stance) soooooo i pooped la. BUT THEN RIGHT, when my poop hit the water surface ........ water from the bowl terpelanting-ed onto my butt!!!!!!!!! DAMN FUCKING GROSS. i was like ..... ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. i felt like no amount of tissue would make me feel clean again. it was damn sial traumatizing. so i swore that the next time i use the toilet, i will position my butt EVEN FURTHER up from the toilet bowl. cos you know lah, impulsive force formula says that you have to increase time before collision to decrease force upon impact. it's like the whole skydiver-who-bends-legs-before-landing thingy! so anyway, 2 hours later, it was time for Toilet Experience Part 2. so i did it -- positioned my ass even further from the bowl as it was the previous time. but WAHLAUWEH. instead of less water splashing up, even MORE water terpelanting up from the bowl!!!!!!!!! ONTO MY BUTT AGAIN!!!!!! so what's all this edit : okay nevermind, i was just told that you have to increase time OF collision instead of increase time BEFORE collision. as in the carcrash scenario. then huh, what's with the skydiver bending legs thingy? and after some pondering, i just realized that my shit falling from a higher point just makes things worse cos it would accelerate more due to G pull, and thus will have increased velocity and THUS, increased momentum and ULTIMATELYYYYY, has increased impulse force. i suck!!! and here i thought i was so smart cos i single handedly proved the impulse force formula wrong :( sniff sniff. clearly my physics is not up to par. also, i clearly am going to fail my Paper 3 (lab paper) because i never made sure that mass of Crap 1 and Crap 2 was a constant variable. hahahahaa. okay. i just want to let all of you know that in real life i am not really this weird. it's the ribena sugar high speaking. PLEASE PRETEND THIS POST DOESNT EXIST.
Wednesday, November 09, 20052:51 AMcurrent music : ohmygawd i've got all this amusing news that i just cantfreakinwait to share!!! so much to say, so much to tell .. i dont even know where to start.
I'M SO DAMNED EXCITED. and i want to tell you alllllllll about it :D omgomgomg. my heart is aflutter and i cant stop giggling. so i take a few deep breaths to collect myself. i sit down, and i dial the #6 on my cellphone's speed dial. as i hear the familiar ringing tone, i run through in my head all that i wanna say to you. sometimes talking to you is almost like public speaking. it's like i've got all this stuff i cant wait to just let out, that somewhere along the line i end up abandoning my carefully arranged speech and just running off on an excited fast-forward tangent. so eager and so thrilled to just talk. 8 seconds crawl past, and my call is forwarded to your voicemail inbox by that annoyingly omnipresent automated woman-voice. "Please try again later," she says. yeah like hell i will. my eyes turn angry and the happy flush in my cheeks drift away in bored disinterest. why are you never there when i most need you to be? pissed, i slump down in my seat. how many times in the past month have you stood me up like this, whether intentionally or not? the first few times it was alright, but now it's getting annoying. you can take only your games so far, did your 'mentor' not tell you that? i know our phone calls have been getting shorter and shorter. i havent seen you in like what, a month? thinking back about how we used to see each other everyday, it makes me laugh now. your bday card is still in my turqoise sling -- but perhaps it's a good thing i never gave it to you because the words dont match the situation anymore. nowadays it feels strange to even ask you to gimme a wake-up call. i miss the days where i could just send you a simple "hey, 6.45AM okay? thank u so much!" and go to bed knowing that i wont be late for school. now, wake-up call requests are punctuated with stifling formalities and perhaps way too many pleases and thankyous. and even when you do call me to wake me up, you never linger for more than a minute to make sure i'm really up and out of bed. where has our closeness gone? out the window when you fucked things up? or out the window when i fucked things up? i guess i saw this coming then. though honestly at that time i was glad. we both know why i was. but now i cant help but feel like i've lost a good friend. wtf was that shit about remaining best of friends even after breaking up? so not happening. why did i even think it would? at first i thought .. whatever, if you think keeping in touch is gonna take up too much of your time, then fine. i'm not gonna tepuk tangan sebelah and be the only one who's interested in keeping this friendship going. so .. everytime i had good news and i started to dial your number, i would stop myself. everytime i sent out invitations, i conveniently left your name out of the list. everytime i wanna call you up to ask how you're doing, i tell myself not to fucking bother anymore. sooner or later it became like 2nd nature to forget you. i didnt even have to try. it all just fell into place, and i only remember you every time i see or do something that's actively related to you. then my heart goes ... hey. maybe i should call him sometime. just to talk and catch up cos i havent seen him in so long. on bright sunny days over iced lattes at coffee bean, i sometimes think of you. i think about all the crazy stuff we did in our 2-year kick, all the things we said to each other both in anger and in love, and i think about the way you look right before you fall asleep. i think about the way you have your music on so loud in the car, and i think about the way you turn it off everytime i come in the car cos you know how i hate it when music is being played too loud. i think about how you read Archie comics over your lunch, and i think about the insane things you say when you're drunk. i just think and think and think. and then there are some days that i come to the conclusion that i miss you. it's stupid, i know. i remember how i was so glad when we broke up, it was almost like i was so happy to be free of a burden that weighed me down in everything that i did. i was always so angry at you, for all the stupidest reasons, and i remember how somewhere along the line we just lost our ability to communicate with each other. i just refused to fix things cos i wanted it all to deteriorate. (oh hey, did i just steal your line ..? :) the other day i wrote a long, really mean, sarcastic and snarky post about you. it was about all the things i ever hated about you but never told you, and how i hate that things are always twofaced when it comes to you. it was perhaps the meanest post i ever wrote. i published it, then i re-read it. and i just started crying. i dont know why. so i deleted it. siigh. i dont know. we've just grown apart, we've both moved on and we both are in love with other people now. and i guess that was what i've always wanted for the both of us. you've always deserved someone who was less temperamental than me, someone who would be as patient to you as you always were to me. docility is something i cant give to anybody, and empathy is just something i cant give to you. things just started out the wrong way for you and i, and nothing can fix that because i've already seen that side of you that you hide so much from all the people who call you The Martyr. it's getting late now and i should get going. just want to let you know that in our case, perhaps it's a good thing to grow apart. and that i miss you. sometimes. but for now, your number will remain on my speed dial. #2 for mom, #3 for dad, #4 for bro, #5 for bro, #6 for you.
Tuesday, November 08, 20054:36 AMcurrent music : hi, blogger sucks because it is giving me this bandwidth problem thingy, whatever that means. but i shall still continue to be a biatch about it and put up more pictures BECAUSE I CAN.
only this time they are pictures of fruits. because they are cute! okay lah it's really because i'm too bushed to blog about anything. but they really are very cute. here is a story of an orange and his girl-orange!!  "this ap-peels to my suspicions ..."  "oh no! oscar! you're home early!"  "you conniving little @#$%!!! you give cellulite a bad name!"  Oscar the Orange has lost all zest to live. i dont like the look in that Peach's eyes ...  "siiiiiiiiigh...." (note : why is smoking bad for you? chapter 9 of SPM Biology says that it's because when you smoke, you inhale carbon monoxide, which will berpadu with haemoglobin in your blood to form carboxyhaemoglobin, that means it will berebut haemoglobin with oxygen, and therefore oxygen is unable to form oxyhaemoglobin, which means there will be a lack of oxygen in your blood circulation system, which means your respiration processes will not go smoothly. STUPID ORANGE. you wanna kill your alveoli issit?! okay i am sorry i ruined the story. back to Oscar the Orange ...)  (note : chapter 13 of SPM Biology says that alcohol is bad for your coordination system because ......)  the end. goodnight. i am off to correct whatever is left of my body clock.
Sunday, November 06, 20052:01 PMcurrent music : and it is official! my circadian rhythm is permanently screwed up and cannot be restored to its original condition ever again.
so lately i've been sleeping at like 8 in the morning and waking up at 7 in the evening. my days are shortened to a mere 13 hours now, whilst i sleep the other 11 away. yet despite this title of "SPM 2005 STUDENT" imprinted on my forehead, i dont invest my 13 waking hours in my books or anything. here's what i've been doing with my waking 13 hours for the past week : 1. attending open houses 2. heart-to-heart talks on the phone that last 6 hours 3. gossiping with wai min over Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey 4. reading CLEO (eh, is it just me or has this publication gotten better?) 5. going on MSN more than i really should be 6. trekking from Hartamas to Mont Kiara and back again (thanks a lot, wai min the kiamsiap environmentalist!!!) 7. travelling around PJ for 2 hours looking for a nice place to have breakfast 8. watching One Tree Hill and Friends 9. playing DotA!!! 10. finding excuses to not study eh i dont know la. i'm sick of this whole feeling-guilty-for-not-studying shit. sometimes while staring blankly at the diagrams of vertebrate structures and the double fertilization in flowering plants, i ask myself, is it really necessary to get straight A's? perlu? i get 12A's to prove what, exactly? okie lah deep down inside i know the answer to those questions, but the more i cram my brain with all these facts that i am bound to forget 5 minutes after i turn the page, the more i just wanna shove my books under my bed and go on playing DotA. i'm suffering from serious information overload. yes, here comes the omnipresent lazy-student gripe of "oh if only i had started studying earlier!" ... but blah, i cant help it. it's this dominant allele of Procrastination that came from both my mom and dad's side, that's why my genotype is PP, which explains why i'm such a lazy ass. i blame it all on Perwarisan. (okay i'm not gonna blame my negative traits on my dad, cos he bought me 3 boxes of Gavarny chocolate from melbourne. so i will blame this on my mom and her dominant genes because she didnt get me anything. in fact, i shall draw out a nice heridity chart and tape it to her bathroom door just to let her know what a huge mistake she made for not consulting a geneticist before deciding to concieve me) it's about 2pm and i just got home from breakfast. i told you my circadian rhythm is the suck. so i'm gonna go to bed now, and i will wake up at 4 in the morning. i hope someone will be kind enough to leave dinner for me in the freezer.
Friday, November 04, 20054:45 AMcurrent music : i just had the suckiest Hari Raya ever.
what does one do when THERE IS TOO MUCH FOOD AND NOT ENOUGH STOMACH SPACE?! on days like Raya, i wish i had 2 stomachs. i'd be the world's happiest person and i wouldnt be sitting on couches griping about how i'm still hungry, and how i wanna eat more but my physical limitations prohibit me from doing so. oh, the bane of a 4-hour-long digestion process!! why cant it be like 5 minutes or something?! went to 3 open houses today, as well as my dahliiiiiiing ivan's bday dinner at CPK. ate, ate, ate and .. ate. ate until i couldnt even giggle without feeling like my sides were gonna tear. anyhoo, am feeling way too lazy to blog so here are some photos from the day. yay, my camera software finally decides to allow me to upload pics :)  Lisa and I in the car  Aunty Shereen's house had SEVENTEEN CAKES okay, no freakin joke  the coffee cake. superrbbbbbb.  Naz and I at Tunku's open house  nice lehh. dont you wish you had a nice house too  there's this house in Taman SA that's built like a castle!!! so adorable :D it had turrets and oil lanterns and a wooden door and everything! it was just missing the moat and white horses  KLCC all decked up for Raya  hey, look, KLCC's toilet for the disabled! someone alert our all-time favourite blogger :D  me and the birthday boy during his bday dinner  he's sad cos we keep dunking his face in cake  what he looked like when we were done with him. hehehe more piccies over at my Multiply page :) for now i do bid goodnight. it's been a long day and i need to go digest all that FOOD! selamat hari raya everyone .. :D
Tuesday, November 01, 20052:38 AMcurrent music : forgive me, for i must rant! this is perhaps going to be the most detailed entry i've posted in a decade.
here's a little background information for the people whom i have yet to share this with. see, for the past 4 years of studying in my school, i have had a most colourful history :) it all began sometime around form2 (2nd year of high school, to the non msians), when i somehow found myself an unwilling and completely clueless participant in a two-sided battle. not a bystander, not a neutral force, not a witness ... but a participant, as in one half of the battle all on my own. i dont exactly remember when i actually realized there was even a 'battle', but i do know that there was one day i arrived at school and suddenly everyone seemed to be talking about me. people stared as i walked down corridors, and i'd hear my name in random conversations as i walked past. and out of nowhere, i get all these concerned friends dragging me aside asking me with wide eyes -- "eh tell me honestly, did you really sleep with (insert name of then-boyfriend)?" to which i laughed out loud in response, and said, "you joking ar? i'm only 14!" then they'd knit their eyebrows in surprise and say "you know there's this rumour going on about you and (then-boyfriend)? the details are not pretty." i was confused beyond belief, but i later realized that it was the typical high school drama unfolding -- Queen Bee Wannabe wishes to pick on Lower Minion to set in stone her position as the All Time Popular High School Bitch Who Goes to Check On Her Hair Every 30 Minutes! yet i had no idea what the flying fuck had happened to provoke this, why this sudden shift of paradigm, and why all this sex scandal?!?! i mean i was barely reaching puberty, man. you'd think these queen bee wannabes would have had more brains to churn out more original stuff instead of ripping off the plots from cheesy american high school movies! but anyway la. for the next 2 weeks or so, rumours had started spreading like wildfire. suddenly i found myself "having crushes on all the form5 guys" and "stealing other people's boyfriends". it took me a while to finally realize who was the main mastermind behind the whole deal, and in retrospect, i wish to apologize to myself for labelling her a mastermind back then. she didnt really have much of a mind, you see, let alone a mastermind. aaaaaaaanyway. this 'mastermind' did work fast, and quite efficiently too! what she did was, she went around telling seniors guys that i had this mad puppy crush on them (hey, does the movie Mean Girls ring a bell), and that i secretly thought they all liked me back. so naturally this totally repulsed all the senior dudes la, and they were like woah this girl is desperate! (i guess they chose to ignore the fact i had a boyfriend at that time who was better than all of them combined, and then some) what's more, little miss mastermind went around telling the senior GIRLS that i had this THING for their boyfriends and that i called them all sluts. wah it was beautiful man, she managed to turn the entire graduating class against me that year! and when people asked for proof, you know what she did? she wrote out FAKE CHAT LOGS and printed out 'archives' that supposedly came from my blog. then she emailed them to everybody, a copy of which was forwarded to me by a good friend. i didnt know whether to laugh out loud at her immaturity or be appalled at the fact that 17 year olds actually believed the drivel and lies a 14 year old conniving slug could spew. i mean, wow! how can those guys be so perasan as to think i could like all of them at the same time? like who do you people think you are -- nicholas tse? get over yourselves lah. and those GIRLS!!! golly gee, could the whole indignance of being called sluts have stemmed from a deep dark insecurity that perhaps has not been shed light on? heaven forbid 8) anyway sooner or later, miss mastermind gathered for herself a little legion of followers who started launching their own anti-su ann campaigns as well. it was very cool, one girl started saying how i stole her boyfriend (who was my then-boyfriend), the other said that i called her a useless whore, and another said that i chuin-ed (derogated) her lack of english skills (HAHAHA THE IRONY) just because she cant speak english properly. oh and one more girl did the ultimate in lameness, she went and wrote a flame comment TO me in SOMEONE ELSE'S blog comment box, despite knowing that i had a blog and my own comment box. (do i smell intimidation?) so all this crap started spreading lah, that su ann is damn evil, su ann hates all the girls in form5 and wants all their boyfriends, su ann humps donkeys, su ann wants to be the most popular girl in school, su ann this, su ann that, blablablabla. naturally, with a tarnished reputation like that, i got picked on for all the littlest things. wearing a pink scrunchie to school suddenly became a social faux pas. white shoes were like DAMN FUCKING ATTENTION SEEKING WEI! having a boyfriend at age 14 was slutty, having a good command of english meant that you looked down on everyone who couldnt spell the word 'hooligans' right. walking with a bounce meant that you were miang, being active in school curricular activities meant that you wanted to get to know more boys, having good grades means that you're a snobby elitist. talking to guys makes you cheap, ignoring them makes you lansi (snobby). tell me, how to survive in a world like this? so how did i deal with all this, you ask? truthfully, i was quite blissfully ignorant until my reputation was damaged beyond damaged, then only did i find out what the hell was going on. mostly i ignored, because even then i had half a brain and more maturity than all of the miss masterminds put together. sometimes i got quite upset, especially when they said things that really hurt my feelings -- mostly involving family and religion -- but yea most of the time i just ignored them and did my own shit. anguish and distress did come once in a while however, especially when the name-calling started. then there was this one stage that my own best friends completely ditched me la (hey you 3, i still remember this like it was yesterday. you broke my heart into pieces), for God knows what reason. oh wait actually, i do know one of the reasons, cos one of my best friends called me up to tell me "hey sorry i cant stick up for you okay, it's just that i dont want them to hate me too". the other 2 .. i dont know la, they probably just got tired of being good friends. so i slipped into a world of solitude with my then-boyfriend. he was very understanding, very gentle about the whole thing and stood up for me when he needed to. and of course, as if my current mess wasnt enough, doing that got me flak from my own friends, who accused me of paying too much attention to my boyfriend and neglecting them. gee guys, have you ever turned around and sat down to think about who the fuck neglected who first? then after a few long months, somewhere towards the end of the year, things started dying down. i blogged about the flow of events in a private blog that i had (10 closest friends had the url), explaining how i dont understand wtf happened, and that all this shit really hurt my feelings. and then somehow or other, people started finding my blog. all of a sudden i had all these people adding me up on icq asking me how come my side of the story was so different from miss mastermind's. my response was always how the fuck i know, she's the one who comes up with all these weird stories. after that, more of my senior 'predators' started to talk to me via icq, and sometimes at school while waiting for our rides we'd have long talks. conversations got less cold and more frequent, and i guess i won them over with the real me, because most of them are extremely good friends of mine today :) then came this day, where a bunch of the Miss Masterminds came over to me and apologized for all the crap they did to me over the year. "sorry we ganged up on you," one of them said. i was civil, polite, almost courteous, and i said "it's okay, i understand." truth is i never really did understand. i never did forget, and i sure as fuck did not forgive, no matter how pleasant i seemed at that time. to all the bishes who stabbed me in the back that year, i still remember it all. no matter how nice i am to you now, deep down inside i wish to spit on you for having been so immature and backboneless then. you people need to learn to get a grip and stop following what Most Popular Girl does. you think it earns you popularity? think again. all it does is make you a loser in the eyes of the people who witnessed the whole incident. including mine. in my eyes, you people will always be the biggest losers no matter where you go and what you do. this is 3 years later. and every now and then i still find pieces and remnants of what happened back then, and i still feel indignant. i still get some senior girls from the graduating class of 2003 talking about me behind my back, still saying stupid things like "hey thats the girl who liked my bf back then! wah she still look so lansi!" rofl, way in over their heads. did they actually believe that i was jealous of them?! excuse me, jealous of what exactly?! their sungei wang sling bags? fifty times straightened and rebonded and redyed and recurled hair? their short skirts and knee length school socks? jealous of them because they have boyfriends who merengkuk on school toilets smoking cheap cigarettes? PLEASE LA. i beg your pardon, but no thank you. senior guys who sincerely believed that i had this thing for them ... once again, i beg your pardon but no thank you. would i like thieves who steal handphones from poor unsuspecting juniors? would i like numbskulls who talk like "omGzzZ wai douzzzz"? would i like druggies? i think not ler. junior girls who spend their entire lives following mine, dissecting what i do, and then attempting to bitch about me like certain Miss Masterminds, i'm sorry la, but get a life can? you got nothing better to do issit, then sit around gossiping about a girl who doesnt even you know exist? sit down and read your geography la, you think form1 syllabus very easy issit. (btw the above paragraph is dedicated to a certain miss jamie liew, whoever the fuck you are. why, you so desperate to come to my prom that you have to beg form5 guys to bring you? so sedih! try harder ler. you can come all decked out in your formal garb, but you can bet your sorry preteen ass i am not letting you in the ballroom on that night. you are not even in fucking sri garden anymore. no guts betul, want to talk shit about me why dont you come do it to my face? here's a reality check ler, i didnt even know we shared the same planet, let alone the same school. so how about, stop talking about me like you have known me since the day you were born? it irritates me that a 13 year old girl previously concieved as non-existent-to-me thinks that she knows more about my ambitions and abilities than i do. oh and btw, your SISTER, whom you get all your news from, DOESNT EVEN KNOW ME EITHER. I dont even know who the hell she is!!!! why are you two so interested in my life anyway? go bug some other more tolerant person okay? maybe someone who actually knows who the flying fuck you and your sister are) to the friends who ditched me in times of need, i am glad that all of you put together is less than the number of fingers on one hand. i have always known that i could never count on you to think about someone else's welfare besides your own. even up till today it is still the same. thanks a lot ler :) at least now i know who i can really depend on. to the real friends who stood by me thick and thin, i am blessed to have you. i heart you all loads, thanks for believing that i was more than the foul tales you hear in the winds. so yes, 2005. it's been a long 5 years in sri garden. i've risen out of this whole mess a more experienced person ... and sometimes during my more pensive moments, i cant help but feel quite thankful that this incident happened :) cos it's definitely made me a stronger person. and taught me not to trust people so easily. lesson learnt.
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Persona :: Name Su Ann / Pinkpau :: Age 17 :: Location KL, Malaysia :: Email pinkpau[at]gmail[dot]com :: Friendster Acc :: Multiply Gallery Spirit :  Linkage Alvin Ee Yean George Iviane Johann Ria Sarah Scott Seng Yip Sern Li Shu Hsien Shy Sinta Suet Li Theo Tze Ching Blog Archives January 05 February 05 March 05 April 05 May 05 June 05 July 05 August 05 September 05 October 05 November 05 |