Monday, May 30, 20056:07 PMcurrent music : Our Lady Peace - Innocent have been away for the past few days senioring a camp. got another one in 4 days. and that one will be a 10-day long thing. and my 4 days left in KL are packed to the brim because thats the only 4 days i have from my 2 weeks hols! argh! busy busy. that and Sims 2 University keeps tempting me away from whatever duties i should be fulfilling.
man, i've met the coolest kids this week. met a 15 year old replica of me as well, in terms of mind and spirit. needless to say, she cant keep her mouth shut and she has a lot of things to say. her name is Jay Dee. awesome girl :D also met the cuteeeeeeeeeeesttttt little kiddo! his name's Jern Ian and he looks so small and cute and vulnerable, that you just feel like grabbing him and hiding him from the cruel world!! the camp was held in this very quaint-looking place called the Asia Martial Arts village. it was dojo-style, and looked like something out of The Last Samurai. i couldnt stop taking photos of the place. man i miss those kids already :( they were so bright and so smart-alecky and noisy! rare adjectives for most people their age. anyways this particular post is making me realize i would actually like to stop blogging. my blog archives from the past 6 months are so peppered with statements like "cant find the mood or the energy to blog", "will blog more later" but never followed up on, "i feel unable to blog" and etc. dunno why but i think i've lost the ability to string words together. cant seem to write anything lately. haha day by day i get more and more useless. but my schedule this year has been seriously sapping me out. projects and assignments and classes and tuition and deadlines and activities seem to either overlap or are back-to-back. and yet i still voluntarily plunge headfirst into MORE things to do. sometimes i wonder about the soundness of my mind. so before i leave for the 2nd camp this Friday, i'll probably go on a hiatus until i 1) get my domain up and running, and 2) get back my ability to write 10 posts a day like i used to be able to do. edit : pics!!  Jern Ian and I! cute lil thing eh?  Jay Dee and I  the four seniors; me, aaron, miu kee and julienne  my soon-to-be puppy :D isnt he adowubble??
Tuesday, May 24, 20054:13 PMcurrent music : - i just had the most amazingly craptastic day today.
recently i feel like all i want to do is just keep crying and crying and crying. and somehow the tears just dont run out. can someone please help make me a stronger person. please. i dont like to cry.
4:28 AM current music : Utada Hikaru - First Love and so he and i lay there, fingers and souls intertwined like how it was a long, long time ago.
we lay there, and just talked. my head was resting on his shoulder. "what dont you like about me?" i asked him suddenly. as i said those words, i felt my heart shrinking inwardly in painful contractions. i was so very scared of what potentially scarring answers might come out of his mouth. what would he say? i waited breathlessly as he contemplated his answer in silence. and just as i thought he was about to cross the line from contemplating one's answer to the region of frantically fabricating a feasible lie to tell, he said "well .. actually .. there's nothing at all i dont like about you." i exhaled from the post-anticipation and giggled from the relief. surely there has to be something, i said. anything at all. "no, nothing!" "oh dont lie now. there's a 1001 horrible things about my personality and you know it." and then he said, "well even if there is, i dont mind them very much". which made me think. for him to totally disregard my flaws or overlook them... is that what love is? does this mean he loves me very much, if all he sees in me is the good? so i squeezed his hand and said i know how i can be such a terrible bitch when i'm angry, throwing tantrums and sulking and all that. surely you must not like that very much? a cringe punctuated my question. he smiled and said, "well you are pretty scary when you're angry. but it's okay." at that moment i remembered all the times i was angry at him. all the scathing, singeing, smoldering things i had ever said to him felt all too familiar on my mind's tongue. my eyes squeezed shut at the memory of all the glares i had sent his way in the past. the doors i'd slammed, the tears i'd cried, the get-outs i'd screamed at him like a deranged person in love. they all just came rushing back like the remnants of a bad nightmare right after you wake up. and of course, i remembered how each time my temperament got worse, my mood angrier .. his touch just simply grew more loving and every breath that he took just seemed to be filled with more and more patience. like he breathed lighter or something, and like the air he took in was coloured with a sad smile armed with a purpose. everytime i get angry he never gives up on me. he has never once turned on me and slammed the door. not once has he left me to self-destruct in all my anger and despair. not even once. he is always at my side trying to calm me down or to make me smile again. each time, he tells me to smile because he says my smiles at the end of the day are what he lives for. sometimes i refuse to smile for him. instead i flop face down on the pillow and sulk some more. i want him to pacify me more, and to console me more and just give me more attention because i am just so needy that way. and everytime i do that, he relentlessly pacifies and consoles me more and gives me as much attention as i want until i finally give in and smile for him. then he will break out into this most amazing grin, and he will kiss me and tell me how much he loves me. ...it's sorta like that moment when the sun breaches the horizon to turn night into dawn. it always comes, and when it does, it just brings so much .. peace. or something. i dont know. i'm inarticulate. i love how everytime i'm angry or upset he can just take me into his arms and stroke my hair and kiss my forehead even though i kick and scratch at him like a wildcat. it's so interesting really, how he can calm me down so quickly like no one else can. he makes me feel so special. even when i'm angry. his patience and that neverending stream of love he has for me is just so ... bewildering. i dont understand it. i guess when God made man in His image, my man came from one of the first few prototypes. i see so much of God in him, as depicted by the bible and my spirit. so patient, so loving, so gentle, so forgiving. only God could be so capable of creating such a person. he just went home a while ago. i miss him terribly already and i ache so much. i want to cling on to him and tell him how sorry i am for all the horrible things i've said and done to him. but i cant. i just cant because my pride is once again the end of me. as it always is. but him being him would understand. and he will know how sorry i am without me even having to say a word. and then he will buy me ice cream. (which i am looking forward to) i dont know what i have done to deserve the love and attention of someone so amazing. i dont really think i do. maybe God goofed when he was distributing blessings and gave me someone else's blessing by mistake. whaddya think? pretty possible isnt it. i am so unworthy i want to cry. i dont really want God to realize he made a mistake and then take back what he has given me. i want to hold on to my gift forever and ever and ever and not let go. because at this point in my life, i dont think i can see through each day very well without him. my days would drag on and my hours would be so aimless and my minutes so sad and my seconds so angsty. i need him. more than anyone will ever know. more than he knows. more than I know.
Sunday, May 22, 20051:08 PMcurrent music : Howie Day - Collide this is a story of how sad i am.
i do not know how to use can openers. but the other day i really wanted some Nata de Coco. (coconut jelly) that comes in a can. so i had to go on MSN Messenger, turn on my webcam, and ask song jun to teach me how to use a can opener.  i am so handicapped, arent i :P my friends seem to think its very funny i cant operate a DVD player without my brothers around to supervise. disclaimer! this does not in any way challenge my ability to cook or bake. i make mean brownies and cookies and chinese dishes >:( it's just that someone else always opens all the cans for me. hmph.
Thursday, May 19, 20054:28 PMcurrent music : Brand New - I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light yay :D the papers are over! i feel so free! goodbye to 5 gallons of coffee a day, goodbye 1 hour of sleep a day, goodbye to no sleep at all somedays, goodbye to staring dumbfounded at the question papers, goodbye to pink post-it notes, goodbye to exam stress, goodbye to youuuuuuuuuu.
and hello, my dear bed :D or well, for the next 1.5 months anyway. SPM trials are in a bit. :( boo. i apologize for the lack of intelligent and interesting things in my blog as of late. you have to pardon me .. my brain capacity has been completely taken up by facts like the differences between alkane and alkene and how to prove those damn differences. man, i think i'm stressing out way too much over a stupid exam. i mean, i saw a leaf falling the other day and i was tempted to count its terminal velocity. dude??? will be getting back some of my grades back tomorrow, possibly Add Maths. OMG!!!!! i so know i failed :(
Wednesday, May 18, 20054:07 PMcurrent music : Aqualung - Breaking My Heart Again .........
i hate myself.
Tuesday, May 17, 20053:13 AMcurrent music : Maroon 5 - Tangled Dear God,
if you are reading this with some heavenly computer connected to some heaven-earth internet connection, please, please, please PLEEEEEEEEEASE help me pass my Add Maths. i'm not even asking for an A :( i just wanna pass. just a pass. 45%. and i will be good forever. i swear it. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE. thank you. mwah. >.<
Saturday, May 14, 20059:54 PMcurrent music : Yellowcard - Breathing i have this sudden unexplainable urge to do charity work.
i think i shall go during the schools hols if i aint going for the Green Pow Wow :D i wanna do something old-folks related. teehee i feel excited. on another note, my mom just bought herself this funky new safe deposit box, though it's not like she puts cash or important documents in it or anything o.O all that's inside is this beheaded bear thing my brother got her for Mother's Day this year :P i laughed (who wouldnt anyway) when i saw her putting it in the safe, and she threw a pillow at me :(  man, my mother is weird. argh i wish i lived in the States!!!! i'd buy Victoria's Secret clothes all the time. their halters are to dieeeee forrrrrr. so lovely!! and i finally got Ria's gift for me back from Rebecca :D a lovely pink pencil-case! muahaha a new home for my school stationery. thankies much again, Ria dearie :D *BIG huggles!*
Friday, May 13, 20054:16 PMcurrent music : Something Corporate - I Want To Save You after one loooooong gruelling week of 12 papers and 2 drained G2 pens :
 one more week and another 11 papers to go. i predict i will come out looking and feeling worse. oooooooh i hate exams. anyways the good thing about today was that i discovered i'm not that stupid after all. yesterday when i got home from school, i was so fatigued i didnt even know i fell asleep. so i slept. and i woke up at ...........5a.m. about an hour or so before i had to go to school, and i HADNT EVEN CRACKED MY MORAL AND MATHS BOOK OPEN FOR TWO MONTHS. thank God for exam tips, so i managed to scrape through my moral paper. but for maths i was like .. die, this time seriously mampus. i even told sze yin i might have to ask her for all the answers at the end of the paper. but turns out i didnt have to. haha :D i could do the paper!! *grins ear to ear* like i said, i discovered today i'm not that stupid after all. oh and reading Patricia's LJ made me remember the concept of online surveys :P since i already took before the one she put up, i looked thru my Survey folder and found one i havent used. yay for more self centered verbal diarrhea! Are you emotional :extremely. i think my emotions practically define who i am Do songs make you cry? If so, name a few : Lifehouse - Everything, Coldplay - The Scientist, Goo Goo Dolls - Iris, Dashboard - The Best Deceptions, Jars Of Clay - I Want To Fall In Love With You What about movies :many have made me cry .. but the only ones i can remember are Wicker Park, A.I, and .... um, Ice Age. What emotion do you usually feel :happiness, excitement, anger, misery, hopelessness, at peace. specifically, happy like i want to laugh every single laugh there is to laugh, excited like i can almost hear the rush of my blood coursing, anger like i want to scream and scratch down brick walls, misery like the corner of my room and empty tissue boxes, hopelessness like i dont want to be here anymore, at peace like .. well, being at peace. + sadness + What does it take to make you cry your heart out : many small things heaping up to become one big thing that makes me think "oh shit what the fuck is happening" How many times have you done that : more times than i care to remember Where do you cry : in the corner of my room, in my bed, in my hands Do you hate crying : only when they puff up my eyes and when people catch me crying :P Do you like it when others cry : um?? no? o.O Do you think tears make eyes look pretty : er no. in the world of anime, that may be true, but .. Who looks good when they cry : i dont know, when people are crying i'm more concerned with making them smile again rather than how good they look @_@ How else do you express sadness : by being angry Are you sad all the time : well i wouldnt say all the time la. but a fair amount. + anger + What does it take to make you mad : not a lot :P oh and Pn Norma. BIIIIIIIAAAAAATCH. What do you do when you're angry : i screeeeeeeeeeeam and glare and kick and throw stuff. How short is your temper : very. How long does it take you to calm down : very quickly, unless the subject of my anger is still physically in my sight What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad : broke a vase, i think. and many feelings. Do you freak out when others are angry : no .. Has anyone ever recommended anger management to you : er hahaha no, but i think many people believe i should :P What's the worst thing someone's done to make you mad : that, would be very inappropriate to write here Do you anger people : i think so. but no one's ever told me :( though i do know i piss the shit out of miss geetha and pn norma. and occasionally my brother. THEY tell me all the time. hahaha + happiness + How often are you happy : pretty often What makes you happy : not a lot :P i get happy very easily. What do you do when you're happy : i dont knowwwwww...! a lot of things i guess! but i know i start babytalking with people. which jovann cant stand. hahaha! How optimistic are you : only when it comes to seeing the good side of the bad. but when it comes to outcomes i have yet to know, my optimism is way way below zero. Do happy people make you mad : no @_@ What's the worst thing someone can do while they're happy : this is a very weird question. Ever been so happy you were dying to tell everyone : haha yes, and i DID end up telling everyone. Ever been so happy you cried : yeah i started laughing and crying and i looked pretty stupid. Do you smile a lot : yea! :D Kiss people a lot: only people who kiss me back Who really makes you happy : everyone except the people who make me angry or hurt my feelings :P Do you like doing things for people when you're happy : yea! :D that's the best time to make me do things for you, hehe + fear + What do you do when you're scared : i dont show it What scares you : LIZARDS. OMG THEN I TOTALLY SHOW IT Do you like scaring people : haha yea :P its funny to see their reactions. Do you like the thrill of being frightened : errr no? the thrill of not knowing, maybe, but there's definitely no thrill in being frightened for me! Does fear accompany anger in your case : hmm no, i dont think so Ever been so scared you couldn't breathe : dont think so How often do you panic : not often. the last time this happened was when we burned a table during the carnival. What's the one thing that scared you more than anything else EVER : when a very close friend wanted to commit suicide What do you do to calm your nerves : sleep. talk to people. laugh :D run around screaming "OH NOOOOO" Do rollercoasters scare you : nooooo
Thursday, May 12, 200512:24 AMcurrent music : Jimmy Durante - Try A Little Tenderness just had a nice long talk with waimin and miss kiasu cake. i miss talking to waimin. and the more i talk to Ms Kiasu Cake the more i think she's just a very nice, misunderstood person.
somedays i feel myself becoming more and more like her. not in the kiasu sense lah, but in many other ways. then i understand her more. then i just .. feel sorry for her because so many people think the worst of her even though she didnt mean for certain things to turn out that way. i think in the near future i might have to resort to sleeping pills to sleep. it sucks to drift through my days with a barely functioning mind. and when my mind barely functions, i tend to say things that i really regret the moment they come out of my mouth. so if i have hurt any of your feelings during the past month or so, forgive me :( will make it up to you when i finally get some sleep that has not been drug induced.
Wednesday, May 11, 20051:51 AMcurrent music : Crystal Method - Trip Like I Do look what's here, everybody!! :D
 i'm so excited!!! i was a bit skeptical before when they announced Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon ... but it's all good now because they've announced Ian McKellen (of Gandalf fame) as Teabing! :D no one suits the role better, i say! me ish an excited girly because sieutheng just told me that the trailer for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire is already out. i'm in the midst of downloading it right now, who gives a shit about History exams. and have i mentioned enough that the BOOK Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince will be out in about 2 months' time?!?!?!?! SCREAM!! *waves fangirl signs around madly* all excitement and fandom aside, i've been having a ball of a time coping with my mid year papers. grr! i think i flunked History 1. let's have a bet, i think i scored less than 15 out of 40 for that paper :( bwoo. i hate mr rama. i want mr mani back!! :( anyways, from today's series of events i am more than convinced that God moves in very, very unexpected ways. a couple of my friends and i were about to do something quite wrong, and more than a little unfair ... but then some very surprising occurences intervened, and sorta justified our actions. i'm glad :) i dont feel so bad now. on another note, we've got Biology papers in a couple of days. i wasnt at school today, but apparently more intraclass conflicts have cropped up. there's this person in my class who takes the kiasu (scared to lose; always wants to win) cake, and it just so happened she wasnt in class when the Bio teacher gave out exam tips. naturally, when she came back into class no one wanted to share the notes with her because .. well, it's just her i guess. (she ended up sending a posse of her friends from other classes to come demand the notes from my classmates. when my classmates said no, those people came back a 2nd time to search under the desks of my classmates. man, if you people are reading this, know that that was an extremely rude thing to do. have some manners, geez.) it's a pity that my class always has all this kind of weird uncooperativeness. there's this guy who was in the class as well (only 9 out of 30 people turned up today), and when someone asked if he was gonna let his girlfriend in on the exam tips, he said "no, because if she was the one with the tips, she wouldnt have told me". wow, huh. there are even best friends who are reluctant to relay exam tips to each other. (but oddly this can always be traced back to the Kiasu Queen i was speaking of earlier) which is a pity because i think she can be very nice at times. one reason why i hate exams. it brings out the worst in my classmates. even me.
Tuesday, May 10, 200512:22 AMcurrent music : - siigh. people in love are blind, arent they.
anyways i believe there is something about exam schedules that just screw up my sleep schedule. i have not slept in 36 hours or so, but when i crashed on my bed at 6 this evening after school, i could only sleep 6 hours and then i was up again. fresh and bright eyed. which would explain why i'm up now. and then i'm gonna be dead tired tomorrow. and then the whole cycle will repeat itself. aughhhhhh. mentally, i still really need sleep. i feel barely functional. but i just. cant. SLEEP!! after this round of exams is over, i'm gonna first hibernate for a day or two. then i will go shopping. then i will watch every single movie i have missed for the past 2 weeks. then i will lock myself up with Sims 2 University!! and then maybe i'll get around to moving my blog :P my brother had a friend who passed away a couple of days ago. it was really sad. the guy's asthmatic or something .. so one night he went clubbing with a bunch of friends, and someone slipped ketamine in his drink. he said he wasnt feeling well, so a friend of his fetched him home. halfway through he suddenly asked to go to the hospital, but he never made it :( he threw up, and then passed away in the car. and only 19 years old too. according to my brother, a very sweet and nice guy even though he mixes with a rowdy bunch. sort of like the quiet one in the group. my bro attended the funeral, and he seems very adamant on erasing this friend of his from his memory. which is quite sad i think. if i passed away, i think i'd hope not to be forgotten. but my bro went and threw away all the stuff from the funeral as well as erased his number from his phone book. it must be weird. to have someone pass away, then look at their phone number and realise you cant ever call that number anymore.
Tuesday, May 03, 20058:20 PMcurrent music : Jason Mraz - The Remedy today was a pretty nice day :) lots of things went right. the first day in a long, long time that i've not felt horribly useless or good-for-nothing.
t'is a nice feeling, to be happy :) the two best things that happened today was that a) i aced an audition. w00t :D b) my friends actually came with me to the audition to offer moral support. wow. that blew me away. i didnt think they would actually be bothered. but they were :) and they went with me. distracted me like crazy and made me forget my lines, but that's nothing compared to the fuzzy feeling i got in my gut. my stomach felt like it had wall-to-wall carpeting :D today's series of very nice events all had one common factor : i didnt expect them to turn out as well as they did. for all the 6 good turnouts i had, i thought i would crash and burn in 4, and get so-so aftermaths for 2. well :D they ALL turned out good, if not great. hehe. i'm ever so the pessimist, arent I. my ambition is to be an optimist. (i once told my dad that and he said, "i dont think short-sighted people can be optimists". at first i was kinda taken aback by the wisdom of his statement because he doesnt usually say ..deep things. anyways turns out he thought optimists = opticians. then i laughed at him for thinking that short-sighted people couldnt be opticians. hahhahaahaha)
Sunday, May 01, 20053:46 AMcurrent music : Switchfoot - Only Hope to someone very special to me,
gone are the days where we used to sit in quaint little cafes just talking, me with my hot chocolate and you with your light Coke. no longer do you come over to my house to study together, or me to yours. no longer do we play pool together at 4 in the morning and then go to eat roti planta and then gripe about how fat we're getting. no longer do we stay up late together talking about significant things and marvelling at how we're so insignificant in God's grand scheme of things. i dont tell you anything anymore. you dont tell me anything anymore. i dont even know where you live now. we haven't gone shopping in so long. i dont recall what grade of ballet you're in at the moment. you dont know what's happened to me and songjun. i've forgotten your cellphone number. we are different people now. we have no more friendship now. ... what happened to us? if God gave me a chance to turn back time, i would go to the very moment our friendship started to fall apart. you know what i really want? i really want to be able to find the guts somehow to tell you how much you mean to me, and how much i care for you. i know for the past few years we've grown too far apart, said too little, ignored too much, and just let too many things be. but at the end of the day, i still really, really care about you. and i wish you knew that. i cherish Thursday afternoons because that's when i get to see you for a bit. that's when i get to talk to you about anything at all, and i sometimes find myself wishing the ride to SS2 takes just that little bit longer. remember the day that Mr Arif was late (or rather, we were early!) and we went to the mamak? that was a conversation that i'll always keep close to my heart. did you ever know that i often have to watch what i do and say around you, in fear of triggering off more depressive feelings in you? i know you're sensitive about a lot of things, especially about your importance in other people's lives. let me tell you that you mean the world to so many people, but you just dont see it. i'm sure you dont need me to tell you how much your parents love you :) your sister may be a little mean but then again we decided long ago that she just doesnt know how to show you how much she cares. and without you, your grandma would have no one to fuss over! also, your cousins' lives would be very, very boring without you. and mine would be a whole lot more meaningless. it hurts me a lot to hear you say over and over again how ugly or fat or stupid or useless or disgusting you are. because you're not. i wish you would stop saying that you are. what would it take to let you know how beautiful you are, both on the inside and the outside? Come up to meet you Tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are you tell me, would someone fat be able to dance as wonderfully as you do? would someone ugly earn secret admirers? does someone stupid possess as much wisdom and insight as you do? would someone disgusting and useless be able to capture people's hearts the way you unknowingly do? i dont think so, my dear girl :) but you do all that and more. you just need to see it for yourself. i know no matter how many times i tell you that, you're not gonna believe me. because i've told you so many times to the point that you think i'm merely showering you with sympathy. and i know that no matter how many times i tell you that people love you, you're just gonna think that you're not worthy of their love. I had to find you Tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart but you know what, if we're here on earth, we're definitely worthy of anything God throws our way. you know He wouldnt give us anything we cant handle or dont deserve :) it's funny. you're not really very far away from me in terms of physical distance, but sometimes i feel like we're oceans and deserts apart. to broach certain topics with you, i have to be careful. and i get the feeling sometimes you're doubting me for something or other, i just dont know what. man. what happened to the times we could be so open and honest with each other? was it really 2 years ago? Tell me your secrets And ask me your questions Oh, let's go back to the start remember how we used to take a thousand and one of those card photos? i still have all of them. out of my collection of 30something cards, you're in 12 of them. just me and you, smiling and making peace signs and pulling faces. i'm looking at a few of those cards now, and just sitting here wondering if we will ever be able to go back to a relationship like the one we had. you have always been the most selfless person i know, despite all the horrid stuff you say about yourself. remember when we booked a room at Sunway just for the both of us of 2 nights, and my then-bf came over to bunk with us? you didnt utter a single word of complaint, although i know you were rather upset. but you didnt say anything. just suffered in silence. as you have been doing for so many years now. Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part No one ever said it would be this hard Oh, take me back to the start. i wish that somehow i could take away some of your pain. some way or other. i dont know. just to make you stop crying and hurting yourself all the time. i feel like i've failed you as a friend, when you have been nothing but the best friend in the world to me. i kinda miss you. very much indeed. but i would never tell you that. and i dont know why. let's go back to the start. love, su ann.
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Persona :: Name Su Ann / Pinkpau :: Age 16 :: Location KL, Malaysia :: Email pinkpau[at]gmail[dot]com Spirit :  Linkage Alvin George Iviane Johann Rachel Sarah Scott Sern Li Shu Hsien Shy Sinta Song Jun Terence |