Wednesday, April 27, 2005

so. despite a 1001 things going wrong, the carnival turned out pretty good :D

what went wrong, you ask?

bands cancelling last minute (last minute like about 12 hours before the event), lost souvenirs, lost badges, shorthanded staff, missing dvds for the movie screenings, dead guitar amps, a miserable excuse for a podium that i paid rm150 for, overbearing teachers with too many conservative ideas, residents of the condo next door complaining about the racket we made, uncooperative Interactors and Youthactors (eeergh), the most irritating gamemasters ever, no game charts, no proper entrance system, a powerhungrycredittakingnotdoinganything president, costumes that were paid for but not worn ('this makes me look like a whore!!' .. oh, please.), late food, closed stores when we most needed to buy stuff, not enough time, lack of funds, lack of patience, lack of teamwork, cancelled games, cancelled Fear Factor, stickerphoto booth that didnt happen because the person in charge didnt bring the sticker papers, not enough ingredients, not enough cooks, spoilt food, melting ice cream, burnt table, other Interact Clubs calling that morning to say they couldnt make it, spoilt banners, spoilt brats, many awesome ideas that just didnt work out ... and BLAZING HOT WEATHER.

yes, despite all that, the carnival was actually kinda good :D i mean, sure, i do feel kinda wistful over the fact that it could have been much better had all our inital plans been carried out .. but oh well :) the carnival was still great nonetheless.

i've heard loads of positive feedback about it except for a couple of gripes here and there that include hot weather (sorry, nothing i can do bout that), no fashion show (hello, we had fully-costumed people manning the 9 booths, buka mata sikit. besides, fashion shows are so overdone for IU Days. we didnt see a need for it to happen another year) and expensive games (CHARITY!??!?! and we have to find some way to compensate for rm600 in cash prizes right)!

pfft. pardon my defensiveness :P

anyways, it was a most amazing experience heading this carnival. i learnt so much, as did everyone else. it did fall a little below my personal expectations, but hey i'm just really thankful that we made it happen. a week before the event i was on the verge of just calling everything off.

i had fun in my own carnival :) that's something i completely did not expect at all. my only regret now is that I didnt bring home any of the leftover food!!! :( nooooooo.

anyways, i just wanna share the fact that we managed to raise rm4000+ that day! i am extremely proud of the Interact Club now :D i want to thank everyone who contributed towards making this carnival a success. you guys are the bomb!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

4:09 PM

current music : Verve Pipe - Bittersweet Symphony

just doing some advertising ;) it's this Saturday at my school. for further details, drop me a mail at pinkpau (@) gmail.com or gimme a ring if you have the number.

do pop by if you have the time!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

11:36 AM

current music : -

dont ask me what i'm doing in Hartamas when i should be in school.

#*%&#^*$(#()#@($*#()% i hate you, Kiaramas High.

aaaanyway. today's post (while i'm sitting in a cyber cafe impatiently waiting for hartamas shops to open so i can get some work done) will be about a few of my roles in life.


as a daughter

a daughter of 17 years to two very cute parents, any notion of Offspring Duty has only been realized some 7 years ago. said duties are things like making sure both siblings wake up on time, get to school on time, do their homework, get proper nutrition, attend all extra tuition classes, have transport home, do not involve themselves in unhealthy or illegal activities, learn time management, do not fight with each other to the point of one killing the other or both killing each other simultaneously, and ensuring they do not neglect their studies or Offspring Duties for any electronical equipment that warrants a few hours of gameplay a day at least.

Offspring Duty also includes being the one to collect both kid brothers' report cards during Parent-Teacher Day, as well as being the one to go see their teachers if anything goes wrong at school, as well as being the one to collect them from the principal's office, as well as being the one who has to lecture them during the drive home. as well as being the one who makes them breakfast every morning.

my Offspring Duties that do not involve two smelly kids are simply

a) making my parents proud of me

b) lessening the burden of my parents

and

c) study more and not spend so much $$$


as a sister

out of all the roles and responsibilities, this is the one i do best. enough said.


as a student

it is in my firm belief that i am not stupid. i am not at all deficit when it comes to studies or education. but sadly, most of my teachers believe so simply because i am a person who does not turn in her homework on time and because i am a person of tardiness when it comes to getting to school on time. which is really kind of stupid because my exam grades do not at all reflect a person who is deserving of their criticism and admonishment. are A's and B's not good enough? i fail to see how being late warrants a person groundless remarks like, "it's okay, you are not interested in school anyway." and "you will be the only person in class to fail all your subjects."

excuse me.

i have said it once, twice, ten times, and i will say it again. in my class, being smart = having an extremely good memory (believe me, that's all the Malaysian education syllabus tests; your memory), having an innate ability to brown-nose, being on the prefectorial board, having the drive to want to outdo everybody including your best friends, as well has knowing how to efficiently cheat in exams so that everyone else gets caught except for you, and also knowing how to manipulate the teachers into boosting your grade from a C to an A for no apparent reason.

i thank God i am not a "smart" student in Sri Garden. i may be in the top class yes, but i thank God every single day that i'm not like any of them. to be like them is to be superficial, shallow, power hungry, manipulative and immature. the only thing i envy of them is their good memory.

idiotic people aside, my one objective as a student is to learn as much as i can. at my own pace, at my own challenges. i will NOT, never ever, base my goals and targets on what other people's goals and targets are. when i study, the boundaries and standards will be the ones I set, not the ones others set for me.

for the moment, my goal in the area of education is to score AT LEAST 8A's in the SPM examinations this November, and nothing lower than a B. i am taking 12 subjects. wish me all the best :)


as a Christian

i am persecuted by many christians simply because i do not conform to their ideas of what a perfect Christian should be. this is the exact reason why i no longer go to church. i detest with a passion Christians who tell other christians how to love Christ "correctly", or how to have a "real" relationship with God. i believe my relationship with God is just that; MINE. every single person put on earth by God is different, and i'm pretty sure God knows how to handle each and every one of them.

i am the sort of person who sees God as more love than anything else. to be honest, when i go to church and face all these hypocrites who worship God and then turn around to defame their own brothers and sisters in Christ with the same mouth, i feel sick and i do not at all feel like i am in the House of God. i must be the only person who feels this, but the only time i really enjoy going to church, the only time i can feel God's presence in a church is when i do not know anybody in that church.

because then it's just me and God.

no one else in between telling me that i'm loving God wrong. no one else saying "christians arent like you". no one else's opinions, no one else's views.

just me and God.

i see God when i study physics. i see God when i walk on the streets and i realise how blessed i am to have a pair of legs. i see God when a friend calls out of the blue 'just to talk' when i'm feeling blue. i see God when the solution to an add maths question falls into place just like that. i see God in dim sum. i see God in the exquisity of music. i see God in the invention of the computer. i see God in my guilt. i see God in my sleep. i see God when i'm hungry. i see God. i see God. everywhere.

i see His love and His inspiration all the time, and that is enough to overwhelm me. how can He love someone as insignificant as me? to put me on an earth so complex that everything about it is in sync and in perfect rhythm? what is so special about me that i got the chance to experience life on earth?

one reason why most Christians do not get along well with me is because of my extremely drastic views when it comes to 'other' people. as most of you should already know, Christians have this thing against homosexuals because it is in the bible that homosexuals are deviated from God. Christians also believe that all non-christians will go to hell.

i do not believe either of those.

i fail to see how God can say and mean those things and at the same time have a few thousand messages of love in his Book. it is not love if you discriminate. persecution of gay people is in the Bible for a reason, a reason that i do not understand, but then again who ever really understands God and the way he works? gay people are creations of God, they are just like you and me and every other straight person, and we have no right at all to persecute and change them and tell them that they are tangents to God's will. they are here on Earth, like it or not, and our job is to love them and accept them as they are. they are perfect because God created them.

as for the heaven and hell issue, deep down in me i believe that there is another standard of determining who goes to Heaven and Hell -- it cannot possibly be based on which deity you follow. after all, we are ALL God's people. for all we know, every single deity from every single religion/belief are probably one and the same. i like to see the whole issue in the form of an orange; God is the orange. christians see it as round. muslims see it as orange in colour. buddhists see it as a fruit. hindus see it as sweet. and so on and so forth. but in the end, no matter which angle you see the orange from, the orange is still the same orange. God is still God.

i think i've gone off topic :P bottom line, i love God and i dont know how i'm supposed to repay him for all that he's done for me.

as a friend

i try really hard to be the best friend that i can be, but sometimes it feels like it will never ever be enough. people demand so much from me all the time, that sometimes i wonder if this is how being a friend is supposed to feel like -- pressured, stressful and bitter. allow me to narrow the scope of Friends down to my friends in school. i'm really close to them, and they know things about me that i would never tell anyone else. yet, they arent my best friends, and i dont particularly trust them much with my deepest secrets or my feelings. why? because they are the sort who would backstab you, bitch about you behind your back to people who are NOWHERE close to them as you are, hurt your feelings over the smallest of matters, look down on you, laugh at your dreams, have no interest in helping you solve your problems, and so much more.

the question i always ask myself is this. as a friend, to play my role right, am i supposed to sit here and take it all for the sake of friendship? would i be neglecting my responsibility as a friend if i were to just get up and say, i quit, i hate you people and the way you act and think and work, and i am really glad i will never see any of you in 6 months time?

i think it is. so i try to love them unconditionally despite all of us being so different and so incompatible. i try. but it's tough.

but it's friendship. so .. oh well.


as a girlfriend

although i am no longer one and have not been for the past 2 months, i love being in love and i love being in a relationship. it's the best feeling in the world, to take care of someone and be taken care of at the same time. it's one of the roles i love most to play, and i look forward to every new relationship for that specific reason.

the joy of knowing you are able to make someone feel secure, the sense of duty that comes with always making sure the other person is happy, the way you feel fiercely protective of him, the way you feel like his kisses and the comfort of his arms are worth every single hardship you went through in that day ... it's so ..undescribable.

and i shall leave this post at that, because it's already 11.30 and the shops are open now :D so yay!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

2:11 AM

current music : All American Rejects - Your Star

you know it's bad when your weekends dont feel like weekends anymore.

if i'm this occupied as a student, i wonder what's gonna happen when i become a full fledged adult and venture into the career world.

i have been neglecting my bed. the poor thing. i shall go make up to it now.

Monday, April 11, 2005

11:20 PM

current music : Hillsongs - You're All I Need

siighy :( my dad's out of town again. i havent seen him in ages. just last week he went to Indonesia for 4 days, came home for a day, went off to Bangkok for 3 days and now he's off again to Germany for another 10 days.

everytime my dad goes off for all these age-long business trips, the bathroom feels funny without the dusting of talcum powder on the blue tile floor. the absence of the bundle of wet clothing that's usually thrown carelessly in the corner is actually tangible. the air feels alien without the rugged smell of his cologne.

i have a friend whose father passed away last year. it was horrible, watching her come to school like she had lost part of her soul. she would stare at the whiteboard as if she was watching a video of her dad's death play over and over again; with an open mouth and overwhelmed eyes and her head tilted to the left. the underneath of her desk was always littered with tissues, some drenched with tears and some ripped into little pieces of frustration vented.

she wasnt herself for a while, and i doubt she still is right now. i'm still very cautious of mentioning father figures every time i'm around her, and i dont know why. i guess i'm just very, very scared of touching a raw nerve. i really dont want to see her cry like that anymore. no one should have to see anyone cry like that.

no one should have to cry like that.

when a person dies, he is just wiped off the earth forever. no physical trace, no last goodbyes, no more sorries you can say that he will hear. everytime i argue with my dad, i take for granted that there will be another day for me to patch things up with him. there was once he came home drunk, and i hate him when he's drunk so when he came into my room to talk to me i slammed the door in his face. and will you believe it, he actually sat outside my room and cried.

i was so stunned when i heard the sobs. in my whole life i have only seen my dad cry 3 times -- the first time it happened i was 6, and it was his birthday and for some reason my mom had kicked him out of the room for the night. he was sleeping alone on the sofa when i awoke in the middle of the night, so i went downstairs to ask him why he was sleeping alone in the living room when he should be upstairs. then i remembered it was his birthday, grinned and said, oh! happy birthday dad!

and then he started crying.

i started pulling at his hair frantically begging him not to cry. when you're a 6 year old girl, there is nothing worse than seeing the stronghold of your life break down and cry. my father has always been the stoic pillar of the family -- quiet, resilient and protecting. he has always been THE Hero ; nothing can hurt him, and he can take anything that we cant take. so you can imagine how frightening it was to see him cry.

it was like ...wow. dad's only human.

the 3rd time i saw him cry those words just came back to clench at my heart. 10 years later and i'm still like the 6 year old girl i was when i first saw my dad cry. not knowing what to do but pull at his hair and plead at him to stop crying.

it's one thing to see a man cry. i dont know. it's different. i see girls and women and children cry so much that it's become as mundane as watching a thunderstorm. it's an event yes, but one that happens so many times that it loses it's ability to root you to the ground so that you just stare and stare and never look away.

this is how my dad cried that day. he was sitting on the floor outside my room. sitting with his knees to his forehead in a fetal position, and he was clutching his head in his hands. and he was crying like a little boy. with every sob that escaped his mouth and his heart, his whole frame shook.

he looked so vulnerable.

how can my dad look vulnerable? he's my dad.

so i sat beside him and cried. and we both just cried and cried until i fell asleep on his shoulder.

it was a defining moment in our relationship. truth be told i have never really felt very close to my dad, especially after my brothers were born and he started working long hours. as i grew older, we just grew apart. i had my own adolescent affairs to attend to, and he his white-haired and leather-briefcase matters. we stopped having heart-to-hearts, and our communication slowed to a halt. there was a point in time when we just didnt recognise each other.

the day he sat outside my room and cried was a painful day, but yet i'm glad it happened because now i'm so much more aware of him just being .. here. for me.

my father loves me a lot. i know because everytime he travels he always tries to bring me back something. i know because he knows what food i like at what times, and he knows what chinese tea i like and how i need to sleep with a pillow under my back. i know because he makes me drink water all the time. i know because he takes things from my room to display in his car. i know because he faces away from me when he smokes at the dinner table. i know because he has a picture of me in his wallet. i know because he doesnt like me staying out late. i know because he hates all my boyfriends. i know because when i was younger and my mom used to cane me a lot, he'd have huge fights with her at night, yelling at her to never hit me again. i know because right up until today he still remembers all my favourite toys from my childhood days. i know because he wears this very ugly tie to big business meetings, cos i gave it to him for his birthday. i know because he's kept every single one of my cards for him in a box hidden in his sock drawer.

i know because he does so much for me.

i miss my dad. i am so lucky because at least i can still see him again in a week's time despite missing him now. some children will never get to see their dad again no matter how many times they say they miss him.

everytime he goes overseas, i wear his cologne instead of my other perfumes. sometimes i even go to sleep with it. it just gives me a sense of comfort that although my dad isnt here right now, he is somewhere in the world. and he will be home soon.

and then i can tell him how much i love him, in a casual way that seems as though i dont really want to say it, that seems as though those three words are something customary, that comes hand in hand with the routine goodnight peck on the cheek .... but really means so so much more than that.

he will be home soon, and then i can tell him how much i love him, said in a way that only teenage daughters can say i love you.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

4:48 AM

current music : Disturbed - Liberate

i get bored so quickly that i'm beginning to think it's not amusing anymore. if you know me offline, you'd know that i'm one heck of a drama queen and that i cant ever settle being in an uninteresting situation. i am a firm believer that nothing is boring unless everyone present allows it to be, and that the most uneventful day can be turned into a day of heartwrenching tragedy just so long as you wish it to be.

anyways i've come to realize that for me, there is never a middle line or a on-the-fence scenario. with me, situations and emotions are always at extremes, and i have no idea why. sorta like .. i'm never just alright ; i'm either EXTREMELY happy or EXTREMELY upset. if i dislike someone, i really really dislike that person. and if i like someone, there's usually nothing you can say about that person that would make me change my mind.

and the thing is, i actually like it that way o.O i think that the 'safe' gray area is a very boring place to be, and that being average is just so ... average. for example, it's no big secret that i'm almost never on time, and that i'm either late or i just dont turn up at all. but you see, i actually LIKE being late :P if it is of no dire consequence for me to be early, like if its school or if i'm meeting a group of friends whose activities wont be hindered by my lateness, then i usually get moving at the time when i'm supposed to be arriving. i dont know why i do it! i just like the rush of being late -- running around in a frenzy and then stubbing my toe on the table leg, drying my hair in under 5 minutes, frantically digging through my wardrobe for that irritating skirt that always seems do disappear when i need it, then dumping everything i need into my bag, crawling under the sofa to retrieve whatever item i dropped in my haste, running around looking for a set of housekeys so i can actually let myself out of the house, getting out of the house, running back in cos i forgot something, running back out, and then running back in cos i forgot to call a cab ..

w00t :D even typing that got me excited! it's like one of those imaginary friend things :P only i'm in an imaginary race against time, every single time.

haha so yes, if in the future i give you same lame-o excuse like i had to go see my aunt or that i was held up by my mom, i most probably couldnt decide what to wear, or i just wanted an extra hour of sleep.

(but if i said i overslept, then it's true. i think over the years i have grown immune to alarm clocks. either that or i'm just a pig)

i dont know, it's just the drama of being late, and the drama of making grand entrances. it's the drama of rushing and the drama of chastising yourself in the car. it's the drama of finding out you wore one orange sock and one white sock. it just .. amuses me! :D and i like it that way. being early is boring.

and also, i'm such a drama queen in the sense that i make the biggest deals out of the smallest things. like the other day, i had a slight falling out with one of my closest friends, and she ignored me the whole day over it. i was extremely lost because i KNEW she wasnt talking to me, but i didnt know over what. so when i found out it was cos of that ittybitty thing, which never even crossed my mind in the first place because of its insignificance, i was like ...what? over something that fucking small she decides to ignore me for the whole day? (yes so now you know what the post 2 posts below was about)

so after some thinking, i just concluded that maybe i dont mean that much to her after all, if over something so small she's willing to jeopardise a friendship of so many years. i was so hurt, and i dont even know why.

but when i talked to a friend about it, it just kind of dawned on me that i could have totally blown the whole thing out of proportion (as usual) by thinking too much (as usual) and applying too much negativity to it (as usual). although our little tiff was small and it really wasnt necessary for her to ignore me over it, i dont really think it warranted me getting my feelings hurt so badly. once again, i overreacted.

i mean ... i dont know. i think it's just a natural tendency for me to turn little things into grandiose events. blah! in some circles, i believe this is actually a disorder.

i took a color test the other day, and almost every section of my results referred to me as someone who always wants to be loved, as well as constantly needing attention and recognition.

haha :P i dont deny the truth of that at all! i'm so attention-needy that even though i get more than enough attention from my friends and family, i still want more all the time. i blame this on my childhood ; as a kid i was very much deprived of love and attention - poor me - and so i grew up always doing elaborate things to try to get my parents' attention. i guess when it didnt work, i just seeked the attention i craved from other parties. and when i seek, i REALLY seek.

i believe my ex boyfriends are living testimonies to that :P song jun himself has probably lost count of how many times i started sulking at him for no reason. (of course the reason was that i wanted his attention la, but the line i always feed him is "why should i even bother explaining?! you men will never understand why girls get angry!". which is true) anyway i like sulking at song jun :D he always bribes his way back into my good graces with ice cream! i like ice cream.

another subset of my dramaqueen-ness is my love for unpredictability. i think my unpredictability is my most dependable trait. i find it very tough to describe myself with adjectives, because i am so contradictory and whimisical that there's never really specific word that describes me as i am. like to say that i'm talkative would be wrong, because sometimes you cant get me to say a word. to say that i'm emotional isnt entirely correct either, because when i hit certain stages of my life (like now, actually), i just charge through life without actually feeling anything. i cant even use the adjective 'unpredictable', because i'm so unpredictable that it's become so predictable for me to be unpredictable! ack!

i'm actually very comfortable with being unpredictable, although it kind of confuses the people around me :P but i guess it's some sort of defense mechanism la. see, you're so unpredictable that no one ever gets to really "analyze" you, because they dont even know where to start, or so to speak. i secretly have this huge fear of people being able to read me and people being able to correctly explain the reasoning behind my emotions and actions.

in conclusion, cos i really wanna go sleep now, i am an unpredictable, easily bored, attention-needy, histrionic drama queen. :O somebody shoot me!

Saturday, April 09, 2005

4:35 AM

current music : Story of the Year - Falling Down

it is always nice to come home from an extremely long, long day to find a box of Godiva on your desk, wrapped in pretty ribbon :) i feel spoiled.

that's all i have to say for today. though i did write a long post earlier this morning on my affinity for drama in my life, i think i'll leave that for tomorrow. am too bushed to finish it up. you have no idea how tired and drained i am.

thank God for Godiva chocolate. and my bed.

oh yeah! i was at Hartamas earlier and Sharifah Amani (main actress in Sepet the movie) was at the table next to mine. and coincidentially, i was there with her ex-boyfriend! he kept saying how the Sepet story was like their story, him being Chinese and all. haha, damn. i on the other hand, couldnt keep my mouth shut on how cute she was during that giraffe scene in Sepet. eeeee. she's so comel!!!

tomorrow will be another busy day. gotta wake up early to hit Petaling Street with the cutesies so we can shop for stuff for the carnival. then it's over to Mid Valley to get kezanne her bday gift. then it's kezanne's party. then it's hoong jet's.

shopping and partying. ooh how difficult my life is.

but see the thing is, i really shouldnt be shopping and partying. i should be sitting down to write 2 speeches that are both due to be presented on monday, one of which is for a competition. i should also be perusing the damn Scrabble dictionary for those damn two-letter words that elude me everytime i'm faced with the 7 puke-yellow tiles on my ... tileholder. *shakes fist* i will not lose the Scrabble competition! and yes that one's on monday too. i also have a poster to design by monday! as well as complete a mountain of homework and notes that has been untouched ever since .. february. and did i mention that on my to-do list for the I.U Carnival, only 2 out of 18 are crossed off?

i can forget about getting any of those done tomorrow. and for any work to be hurriedly finished on sunday is out of the question. been there done that bought the tshirt.

see, i think i should learn to prioritize. but then learning to prioritize is way at the bottom of my list of priorities.

i think when i'm sleepy i dont make any sense. i shouldnt blog when i'm sleepy. i'll probably wake up tomorrow morning to find an sms or two on my phone saying something along the lines of, "i read your blog. what the fuck were you thinking??" hmm. is there anything i said in this post that i might potentially regret?

i remember i once posted something like "the blogger of this blog has passed away due to fatigue and anxiety" and then i went straight to sleep after i published it. in less than 30 minutes i was awakened by a frantic phone call from a friend asking if i was okay and if i was in the hospital. when i was done convincing him i was very much alive (after yelling at him for waking me up), a churchmate called to ask the same question. hello. dont take me so seriously when i'm sleepy la. i remember i even had to drag myself out of bed to delete the post.

i'm so sleepy that i feel lightheaded. is this what being on drugs feels like? you know, like you're sorta floating and your legs arent really attached to your body anymore? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

do sleepy people actually spend time writing crap on their blogs when they should and could be sleeping? yeah. well. i didnt think so either.

goodniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

4:57 PM

current music : Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved

FUCKING HELL.

over something THAT fucking small.

if dumb things like this is what i'm going to have to keep putting up with for another 8 months, i'd really rather time pass quicker. i'd save myself a lot of hurt feelings.

i wish the weekend would come faster. hate this week already.

Monday, April 04, 2005

8:19 PM

current music : Saves the Day - Freakish

i was looking through my blog archives earlier .. and came across this post i wrote about my kid bro sometime last year. siigh. reading it made me cry, just like how writing it months ago made me cry.

------------------

2nd September 2004

hey, kiddo :)

i see you running everyday. running like the wind on wings, flying past me with the cheekiest little grin on your muddy face. i see you scampering under fences, tearing through a field of grass, darting here there and everywhere. fast, faster, out of sight.

.. but where are you off to, darling boy? what's the rush?





don't run off. come here and let me take another good, long look at you.

let me take a look at you, so i can be reminded once again of some of the things we share that no one can ever take away from me and you.

we've got the same fire behind our eyes. that unruly impatience in our hair. similar sassy energy in the bounce of our steps. same cheeky laughter, same manjaness, same blood that runs in our veins.

but yet, i see traces of emptiness in you that i dont find in myself. gaping chasms that are just screaming to be filled with something tangible. something real. something that's not part of your make-believe world.

something for you to fall back on in times of dire need.

your childhood saw nothing of toys, games of hide-and-seek and a dollar-coin in your pocket. no bubble baths, no little yellow ducky or the sailboats that actually float on water. there were no birthday presents with colourful wrapper or big, showy ribbons. you didnt wear fluffy pajamas, or have cookies and milk before bedtime. (you didnt even have a bedtime, actually.) no superheroes with their underwear on the outside in your world. no dreams, no kiddy wishes.

no huggles and cuddles and kisses that all the other little boys get.

you never had any of those.

because all your life, you played an endless game of catch. a neverending game between you and a goal that you could never seem to reach. all 11 years of your little life, thrown hastily into something futile and unworthwhile.

why couldnt you see it? why didnt we see it?

you never had to grow up so fast. you didnt have to have so much of your precious youth robbed from you. all that time that you're never getting back, all that love that should have been there but never was. what a waste isn't it?

i know how it must be for you, being the youngest and all. your parents don't care. Big Sister and Big Brother never have the time for you. it was hard making friends because you simply didnt know how to. pets all died under your care because you didnt know how to love.

nobody taught you how.





you were brought into the world from mommy's womb, right into the shadow of your big brother. remember how when you were young, nothing you did could ever compete with what he achieved? remember when you were 5 and your brother got a new toy car on your birthday? do you recall how you always used to sit in silence at the backseat of the car while your mom and dad chattered away endlessly with your older brother, and never once acknowledged you? remember the day he asked you to steal a pen for him once, and then you got caught and were caned by daddy till your legs were bleeding all over? remember how everything you do is wrong, and how everything he does is right?

remember how everything used to seem so unfair?

... remember how they still seem the same way now?

you grew up admiring your brother. you wanted to be so much like him. and i watched how his attitude moulded yours. how you always repeated his words like they were sacred. and how you always liked the same things he did, hated the same things he did. talked his talk, walked his walk.

in the beginning, i had two brothers -- spaced 2 years apart in age and a million light years apart in personality. but somewhere along the line i felt like i had twin brothers. still 2 years apart in age, but now with personalities that were almost melded together.

why, sweetheart? why be his carbon copy? you're so much more special as yourself. so much more special and lovelier than he is. if only you could see that.

because i sure do.

don't ever believe it when people say that you're stupid. you're brilliant beyond your age. shut your ears when they call you names, and don't bother retaliating. foul words like those dont belong on your cute lips. and close your heart off when those idiots say you're undeserving of love. because you know it isn't true.

your big sister's heart breaks for you. she wishes you could have all the love in the world to make up for what you never got to feel. she wishes you could have everything that you want.

she loves it when she gets to hear your high-pitched giggle. she loves it when you speak to her in that little baby voice of yours. she loves pretending to be angry at you when you take her stuffed dog. she loves watching you fall asleep hugging it. she loves taking pictures of you.

but she loves you most of all.

darling, put away those big boy's toys. the violent video games and the wrestling programmes at midnight are just not you. dont be afraid of eating sweets and lollipops, no one will laugh at you. (i'll personally biatchslap them if they did) ... and dont worry too hard about being cool, you already are in your own way.

and don't run so fast either. cos you might just hurt yourself. just like how you might do the same if you grow up too fast.

fast, faster, out of sight.

however, that last part is the part where your big sister gets hurt.

don't ever drift away from me, you little duckface. i might just die if you did that.







--------------------


the thing is, i still feel the exact same way about my brother. i think i always will.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

6:25 PM

current music : Verve Pipe - Bittersweet Symphony

huwaaaaa. just came back from an extremely uneventful day at Petaling Street. went there in hopes i could find loads and LOADS of things for my International Understanding Day preparations ... but i found none. bwoo :( was hoping my good fortune from yesterday would carry over, since i managed to buy rm120 worth of asian stuff yesterday from Mid Valley of all places.

oh. wait. omg.

will any of you very nice people be travelling to Indonesia, Philippines, Vietnam, Thailand, Japan, Corea, India or China in a week or two? or do you know anyone who will be?

if so, i have the biggest favour to ask. leave a comment or email me, okay? desperate pau speaking.

and also .. if you know of anyone playing in KL or PJ based bands, who are willing to play for a carnival on the 23rd of April .. let me know too :D

*crosses fingers*

Saturday, April 02, 2005

12:59 AM

current music : Forty Foot Echo - Save Me

yesterday, i attended this consultative forum held to discuss the draft of the textbook for the National Sex Ed Curriculum.

about damn time Sex Ed is brought into our syllabus.

i flipped through the textbook and was sad to find out that although it covered quite a wide scope of topics, some areas didnt get enough coverage, and some parts of the book had, shall i say, very weird stands on certain topics.

and it was also the sort of curriculum that took sides on Sex Ed issues. they relayed facts, but also clearly stated what they thought was right and what was wrong. and AS USUAL, many of those stands were rather based on Islamic values.

there was a part of the book that many people in the forum had a problem with, that was "homosexuality is something abnormal that is against human nature. you should seek professional help if you face homosexuality/bisexuality issues." most people including myself were appalled, but there were actually people who thought that statement wasnt given enough emphasis! a few people from organisations like JAKIM (Department of Islamic Progress) got up to the mic and said there isnt enough stress on the abnormality of homosexuality, and that the textbook should contain more references to quotes in the Quran on how homosexuality is wrong in God's eyes.

the woman who sat behind me was from JIM (Malaysian Islamic Movement) and she kept saying how there should be a section in the textbook dedicated to teaching gay students how to "change" their orientation. so over tea-break i asked her how come she thought like that, and she said it was because this Sex Ed curricula is going to be implemented in an Islamic country and thus it should be under Islamic standards. she also said that if the government didnt alter the draft to underscore more the abnormality of homsexuality, she was afraid young people might think it's okay to be gay.

h.e.l.l.o.

i think Sex Ed as part of our school curricula should have long been materialised, because the ignorance of our people be it young and old when it comes to anything sexually related is becoming more and more apparent. young girls think that when they kiss a guy they will become pregnant. teens who get involved in sex think the withdrawal method is effective. they are brainwashed by older people into believing that condoms dont work, as a (wishful) step towards abstinence. which of course, backfires, which results in teen pregnancies and a heck of a lot of STDs.

it's narrow minded people like the lady i spoke to over tea that will turn our Sex Ed syllabus into another Moral Studies or Islamic Studies. Sex Ed should be something to equip our people with more liberated education, that prior to this has not been in motion because of our more kolot (old fashioned) mindsets. what it should NOT be is another arena for people to impede and boundarize because they are 'scared' to touch on sensitive issues.

this 'fear' is what keeps our country in such a stagnant cycle of non-progress. we may be building skyscrapers and having our own national cars, but what good is all that when we live in a society that is afraid of change?

why do we keep criticizing the government and blaming them for everything when it's more than obvious that the obstruction lies with the people? if we are going to be stuck in mindsets that believe girls who show a bit of skin are immoral and useless, and that gay people are freaks of nature, it is NO BLOODY WONDER we are nowhere near the advancement of other countries. this is exactly why Malaysia will remain third world.

i (very politely) told the lady the above, and that secondly, not the whole country is Islam. she and a few others then said that Sex Education should very much tie in with religion, because both are ways of life. and while i applaud that statement, i still believe that ANY syllabus in our national curricula SHOULD NOT take stands on any issues.

give us the truth and facts on sex and sexuality, plain and simple and direct without hiding anything. no need to tell us sex before marriage is wrong, no need to tell us homosexuality is abnormal, no need to tell us we have to dress decently in public or else we will be raped. no need at all. all that should be up to the individual to decide, so that s/he can apply those facts to his/her own lifestyle, culture and religion.

we are all of different backgrounds and religions; printing biased views on Sex Ed in what is supposed to be a national curricula in a multiracial country is rather silly, if you ask me.

did i mention that there were people in the forum who were uncomfortable with Birth Control and Contraceptives being part of the syllabus??? i almost screamed!!! what is Sex Ed if you dont teach methods of birth control and contraception?? so i went up and said that the subtopic on Birth Control and Contraceptives shouldnt be mere subtopics, but they should be chapters on their own. see, the information given was so miniscule it was almost laughable. Contraceptions was a miserable ONE page, and all they gave were examples of contraceptives without even printing the technicalities, how to obtain them, how they should be used and etc.

and these people thought that one page should be omitted totally, because they were afraid that once young people find out it is actually possible to have sex without falling pregnant, they will all start having sex.

i think they need to come out from whatever rock they are hiding under >:O

and what the heck is with teaching people that homosexuality is freakish and abnormal? and (what the heck)^10 is with people who believe that sort of teaching should be stressed even more in a NATIONAL CURRICULUM?? in an earlier part of the book, there was a section that said all stereotypes on men and women should be abolished, but then it later went on to say that if you're gay you are abnormal and you need help? and people wonder why homophobia and ostracizing of gay people exists in our society!

pro-abstinence sex ed in this country will never work if set in motion. most people of religion already dont have premarital sex because of religious teachings, so stressing more on abstinence in sex ed doesnt help any! what Sex Ed needs to do is educate the people who DO have premarital sex and unsafe sex. THEY are the ones who need Sex Ed most.

and if all the religious people are still gonna have coronaries over this syllabus, then i think they should by all means teach Sex Education as a new chapter in their own Religious Studies syllabus. THEN, they can teach Sex Ed however they want, warp it however they want, impose as many boundaries as they like and omit as many truths as possible.

i am appalled that there are actually people of intellect who are still stuck in all these obsolete mentalities. i went to this forum thinking that finally, times have changed and something of progressive impact is going to take place. but no, that apparently wasnt the case.

it was a good discussion though. at least they are beginning to involve young people in topics of such gravity. commendations to the government for taking such a brilliant step, and also in finally taking some initiative to actualize Sex Education in malaysia :)