pinkskyes.tripod.com

if i could have one wish, i'd probably wish to be able to live a day in the shoes of 10 different people.

1. my school's Head Prefect. i want to know what it feels like to have this constant burden of responsibilities on my shoulders, and an aura of seriousness that just radiates from my skin. i wanna know how she can live life always comparing herself to everybody, and fighting all the time to be better than anyone else. it would also be nice to know how she can use certain people and not feel very bad about it. it's a trick i'd like to learn because i think i have too much conscience sometimes. also would like to know what it feels like to feel proud of grades that you didnt really achieve on your own. i wanna know what it feels like to have all this stress and pressure and still crave for more. also, i want to know what it feels like to feel useless when people DONT give you stress (??!!). it'd be interesting to know how it's like for people to expect heaven and hell from you. lastly, i want to know how she feels about how we feel about her.

2. my mom. i wanna know how can it be possible for a woman of 3 children to not give a rat's ass about her own offspring. i wanna know if she feels guilty somedays for watching us grow up devoid of motherly love.

3. a bigtime head-of-mafia gangster. how do these people sleep at night without worrying that they're gonna get shot? what does it feel like to be apprehensive when you're enjoying a cup of coffee in the morning? i also wanna know if gangsters are too macho for coffee. must be fun to have a few hundred underlings who fight to buy you cigarettes. must be fun to grow immune to shooting people that it's just like playing CS after a while.

4. Paris Hilton. i wanna try just thinking and see if my head explodes. (oh speaking of, i heard Britney Spears thinks of serious movies as strange. to quote, "they're weird. you actually have to think about them.")

5. a doctor who caused the death of a patient because of a mistake on his part. what's the first thing that runs through his mind? how does he feel like for the rest of his life? what if it happens again?

6. someone suicidal. i've never known before what it's like to be suicidal. what could possibly make you feel like you dont want to live anymore? how could anyone's life lack passion and drive and purpose? how does it feel like to hate everything and have a problem with everyone? i wanna know. i also wanna know what they feel like when people accuse them of being attention-seeking. i want to know how they sit and write suicide notes. do they cry? do they have doubts before they slit their wrists? when they're falling from the building, do they suddenly wish they hadnt jumped?

7. an Ah Beng/Ah Lian. (to non-Msians, they're people who talk funny, dress funny, act funny, and then think they're really cool. that's as brief an explanation as i can give, it's getting late and i really wanna go to bed :P maybe another day i shall write a good long post about the Ah Bengs and Ah Lians of the world i know) because i REALLLLYYYYYY want to know what they say when you call them an ahbeng/lian. i once tried asking a friend who was (and still is) SO OBVIOUSLY an Ah Beng, "eh actually why you so lala wan?" and he got all defensive and stuff. huh? do ahbengs/lians have different standards of kelalaness compared to the rest of us non-bengs/lians? hmm to be specific actually, i wanna be this certain Ah Lian from my school. because she's kinda lalaish but she thinks she's really classy so i just want to know how the line between those two areas can be so drastically blurred. i also want to know what it's like to actually dare to go out in public wearing those things >.<

8. 9. 10. can these wait till tomorrow? sleepy la. i dont even know why i attempted to start this post in the first place. just something that crossed my mind in this half-awake stupor i'm in at the moment. so okay .. goodnight.

zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

10:21 PM
current music : Eminem - Just Lose It

man, i realize lately i have just about nothing to blog about. 2005 kinda caught me off guard, and i feel like every day is a getupandgo day. siighy. i've barely got time to think and reflect nowadays ... so that means not much blogging because all i ever blog about are my thoughts and reflections :P

so okay, i sat here for a good 15 minutes trying to think of something that i've gone through recently that i actually feel comfortable about sharing with the worldwideweb, but no i couldnt think of any so i'll just post a couple of pics to compensate like how i have been doing for the past couple of weeks. (my english teacher always did say that i shouldnt write too long sentences in case i lose the reader's attention. have i lost you yet?)

so. pictures!

$$$

i intend to show my daddy this photo when he comes home :D

guess whaaaat?

guess what this is?? :P i'll give you one buck if you can.

anyways .. i should be moving out of tripod soon. yesyes i say that all the time but GRAWR THIS TIME ITS FINAL! FINAL I SAY! i'm getting tired of tripod >:(

Monday, February 14, 2005

11:02 PM
current music : Jet - Look What You've Done

what i wrote in a card i never got to give him :

... i think you're the most amazing person i know. you're sweet, kind, patient, loving, romantic, cutesy, thoughtful and witty all rolled into one! i love you, darling. i know we've been through rough patches lately ... but sometimes i cant get over how much i love and need you ...

... i love you so much i swear i dont know what i'd do without you.

well. it looks like i'm gonna find out what i'm gonna do without him.

fuck off, Lim Song Jun. just fuck off. and dont come back.

6:29 PM
current music : Sarah Sadler - Beautiful

handling a project that involves more than 1,500 roses makes you never wanna see another bouquet of flowers in your life.

happy valentine's day, everybody :D

Friday, February 11, 2005

3:28 AM
current music : Switchfoot - I Dare You To Move

i am feeling really sad right now.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

6:44 PM
current music : Jars of Clay - Flood

so i've got this good friend who's been seeing this girl for 1 month or so. to date, he's bought her loads of jewelry (a diamond ring is in the pile), loads of clothes, lingerie, flowers, chocolate, a webcam ... and a lot more stuff you probably wish you had but dont.

now she's asking for a credit card. and he's gonna be paying all the bills.

so what do you guys think? i just want to know if i'm the only person who thinks that this is a little over the top.

3:12 AM
current music : Yellowcard - Breathing

Sunday, February 06, 2005

5:40 AM
current music : Ben Harper - Steal My Kisses

so. can someone tell me why i keep attracting assholes who enjoy starting arguments with me over who i am and what i do when they barely even know me?

Thursday, February 03, 2005

11:55 PM
current music : Jars of Clay - Worlds Apart

like what you see? :D one dozen roses is only rm45 on Valentine's Day ;) bet you cant find a florist that can beat that!

it's nice doing a project like this :) my brother brought back the order forms from his class today, and there were kids who sent flowers to their moms with messages like "you're the best mom in the world, thanks for taking care of me." awwwwwww :D

anyways, does anyone out here know of a (really good) KL-based SPM chemistry tutor who's extremely patient and not too uptight? i'm desperate for tuition :( i think i might just fail chemistry for SPM if i dont get a move on.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

9:30 PM
current music : Maroon 5 - Tangled

hehehehhe. guess who?

edit : yes, it's Britney Spears :P

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

1:11 AM
current music : Our Lady Peace - Innocent

okay. i will admit it.

i am extremely, horribly, awfully, furiously upset about the fact that i was not shortlisted for the seat of Student Council President.

it was hard pretending that i didnt care, when deep down inside i felt like i had been slapped by invisible hands from all directions. it was tough saying "oh i dont really mind, i didnt expect to be shortlisted" because the thing is i DID expect it, but i was hoping against hope so very badly, that for just ONCE the teachers wouldnt pull this stupid biasness thing on me again.

but of course, they did. time and time again they do this to me. they tell me all the time that i should change, but bloody FUCK, if you people wont give me the platform to prove myself, how do you expect your opinions of me to change?!

when i first expressed my interest in running for Presidency, a few of my friends were so taken aback they looked as if they were going to have a coronary on the spot. and i had some *wonderfully* encouraging teachers who scoffed and told me to forget it upon finding out i was nominated. the Head Prefect, who's a very good friend of mine told me straight to my face that she wouldnt vote for me. even my very own best friends were surprisingly mild about the whole thing, and not once stood up in my defense.

i swear i have never been so hurt in my life. i dont know WHAT it is with being in the first class that makes you an automatic delinquent if you actually possess some semblance of a backbone and dont complete your homework within 0.3 seconds. ever since form 4, all my teachers have had it ingrained into their heads that i'm the one person who's going to bring the school down simply because my attendance last year was 70-ish%.

yes, if you can believe it, it all started out with my attendance in school. apparently not coming to school one day out of five is a heinous crime if you're in the first class. apparently skipping classes to have meetings in preparation for an interschool debate is dreadfully wrong if you arent a prefect or a straight A student. apparently defending yourself when wrongfully accused is enough to send tongues wagging and reputations burning in the staff room of the school.

i honestly, truthfully do not get it. there are students with far worse disciplinary records than mine in the lower classes, but they escape with a mere portion of the dislike some of these teachers have for me. the extent of my misconduct is being absent, being late for school, and the occasional argument with my add maths teacher. THAT'S FUCKING IT. there are people who smoke on campus, bully primary school kids, steal, have gangfights and its completely okay because it's "expected" of them.

so, being in the first class translates to licking the shoes of every teacher you see, cheating in every exam to maintain stellar grades, being present every single day of the bloody school year and simpering softly when they accuse you of things you just plain DID NOT DO? i'm sorry, but some of the things these people expect of me clash with my personal values so horribly that i cannot possibly give them what they want.

it's horrible, this prejudice. i've had new teachers come in this year who knew my name within a few days of schooling, simply because my (amazingly wonderful) teachers had been badmouthing me in the staff room. so naturally they come in to class with such skewed perceptions of me that it's near impossible to perform for them, because everything i do is just fucking wrong by default.

it's not fair. i feel like any fault i have is magnified tenfold and any accomplishment i have is so bloody downplayed.

and this whole student council thing is the newest chapter of the saga. i ran for president with some semblance of hope, because hey after all this is the STUDENTS council where the STUDENTS vote. but then i just had to find out that the teachers were shortlisting just 4 people for the final campaign. when i found out who was heading the whole thing, i just knew i wouldnt stand a chance because that woman just hates my guts. (you're not supposed to have any, remember?) so it didnt really come as a big surprise when i found out i didnt make the cut.

but it cut like hell nevertheless.

right now i just feel bloody useless. i can never do anything right, can i? for as long as i'm in this school surrounded by people like them.

i'm getting all these really sweet people from all forms coming up to me and asking me why i didnt run. and they get all indignant and stuff when i tell them i wasnt shortlisted. they're like, "but you're so capable! and all of us already planned to vote for you! the woman's crazy to not shortlist you!"

and the best part is, my own best friends never even showed one ounce of the support these people whom i barely know offered me with such grace.

my life needs some serious re-evaluation.

Saturday, February 19, 2005