Wednesday, January 26, 2005

1:58 AM
current music : Hanson - Penny and Me

today has been a most emotional day. very draining, very straining, very ..paining.

i barely have the energy to blog about it. the day just went downhill from the very moment i rolled out of bed. ever since then, my feelings just got more and more bruised and my outlook more and more bitter.

it's a timeless lesson ; learning that you can never please everyone no matter how hard you try. there will always be people who will find everything you say utter bullshit, always people who were born to pick out the flaws in everyone and criticize until all that's left of that person's positivity is .. well, nothing.

i once believed that a person without his or her friends is nothing. without someone to support or back you up when the going gets tough, you're just about a goner who's as vulnerable as a chocolate bar on my desk. back then, i thought that friends were so very .. essential. like the energy that courses through you. like the sleep you need after 48 hours of too much work and overcaffienated espresso. like the feeling of lying face down on a pillow after a bad day.

then my life took a little bit of a twist, and i did a complete 180 degree maneuver overnight. i started believing that trusting too much and depending too much on your friends was what made a person vulnerable, because you never really know who you're trusting. you never really know who's gonna be the next person who's gonna hear that highly personal secret you just entrusted your best friend with. you never really know anything, when it comes to people. or at least, the people i know. i began to push all my friends and "friends" away.

i started thinking that i could live with just acquaintances and a few close friends ; that i didnt need a best friend who'd keep quiet when support was most needed, that i didnt need friends who exhibit sympathy as false as their friendship and then turn right around and tell everyone the "insider gossip" that you just painstakingly threw up from the very bottom of your heart. i just believed that i didnt need people who were gonna hurt me time and time again and either not realise that they did it or just plain didnt care.

for a while i was su ann the unapproachable. always so cold, always so impossible to understand what she's thinking. always so busy, always so indifferent. su ann, who doesnt need to confide in other people and who doesnt need to depend on anyone.

siigh. but then sometime last year, i realized that my old perception of how important true friends are was the right one all along. for me, at least. i'm a social creature, and i crave to need and to be needed. when you take that one thing away from me, all i am is a mere shell of a human. but the sad thing is, being stuck in my 2nd state of mind (and heart) for so long, i find it stagnantly difficult to open up and let people close to me. my impressions of 'friends' have been tainted for so long that it's gotten kinda impossible to clear away all that debris and bloody tears.

all i can do right now is push people further and further away from me, sometimes even when they need me, because i just dont know what they want from me. your answer to that would probably be "just be there for them", but the thing is you dont know these people the way i do. "just being there for them" can be twisted and turned into something so ugly you probably wouldnt recognise your good intentions anymore after you emerge from the whole mess.

siighy. i dont know. it's been such an emo day. make that an emo week. i just want to stay in bed with Godiva chocolates and a box of tissues, watching that 40 Days 40 Nights dvd that's been sitting on my desk for more than 2 months now.



but then of course, some people would find that totally irresponsible and just jump down my throat for it.

okay now i'm just bitter.

blah.

yeah i know i was supposed to move to my domain and all today .. but i'm just really not up to it. maybe 1st of February. yeah. i dont know. goodnight.

Friday, January 21, 2005

2:44 AM
current music : -

my ovaries hurt. like, really hurt.

edit :

i have been saved. hallelujah.

Godiva chocolates and Victoria's Secret perfume happifies a menstruating girl very very much indeedy :D

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

4:52 AM
current music : Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me

??

online people get weirder and weirder every day.

one day i should post a good, long post about Friendster and its quirkiness. maybe tomorrow. for now i have one more hour to write two speeches and i really should start ASAP.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

7:42 PM
current music : Nickelback - Someday

for those who dont know how my mom looks like :P

1:55 AM
current music : Story of the Year - Anthem Of Our Dying Day

girls arent very pleasant people when they're having PMS.

when i was 13, i never suffered from any PMS symptoms. never did have the cramps, the sore boobies, the pimples, the bloatedness, the moodswings, or the pints of ice cream in the freezer whenever that time of the month rolled bloodily around the corner.

but now that i'm 16, ALL the PMS symptoms gangbang me every single month. grr! what is it about 16 that the sadist hormones in my body like so much.

i'm skipping school tomorrow. yes, because i have PMS. and also because i have an ultrasensitive add maths teacher who seems to have permaPMS. i'd really rather stay home and shave my mom's legs than get into another stupid pointless argument with her.

a box of chocolates would be really great right about now :(

Sunday, January 16, 2005

11:22 PM
current music : Train - Drops of Jupiter

some useless facts about me that make me wonder sometimes why i'm such an oddling.

1. when i walk beside someone, i always have to walk on the left

2. when the sign on the door says PUSH, i pull. and vice versa. and when the people with me push when the sign says PUSH and pull when the sign says PULL, i get mad at them.

3. my liking for chocolate dropped about 40% when i got my first oven and baked like 348904680349 batches of double fudge chocolate chip cookies and 395830496 batches of chocolate brownies. i baked so much chocolate that some days just the smell of chocolate would make me wanna throw up. oh did you know that my (ex)Biology teacher is allergic to chocolate? man. doesnt it just suck to be her?

4. i used to really like Sailor Moon. seriously. i think i still do.

5. when i feel like it, i lead cybersex-deprived people on. i pretend to be 18, lusty and incredibly hot, and then i tell them i would love to meet up for real sex instead of cybersex, set a date time and place to meet, and then i just dont turn up. and then i block them. HAHA.

6. i girl-watch more than i guy-watch. in fact, i practically never guy-watch. my friends are worried that i may be lesbian. my girl friends even more so.

7. i ate sup kambing (goat soup :P) for the first time yesterday. when the soup arrived, the waiter told me they were out of goat meat, and asked if it was alright if they just served the soup without meat. the first thing i said in reply to that was, "WHAT? YOU HAVE GOAT IN THIS??! EWWWW!!!!"

8. i think people shouldnt eat cute things like lamb and goat and pigs.

9. about half of the clothes in my closet still have the tags on them.

10. i once had a itsy bitsy teeny weeny reeeeeeeally tiny crush on a 30+ year old man. there. i said it.

5:21 AM
current music : A Perfect Circle - Imagine

the other day i saw God's kindness in the form of a bottle of Spritzer mineral water.

i was in the car during that horribly hot afternoon, and out the window i saw this beggar on the street, in rags and walking barefoot on the hot tar road towards a dumpster. anxious to see if there was any lunch for him, or anything to put under his blistered feet for some relief from the unrelenting scorch.

he digs around in desperation so routine it's probably numbing by now. he opens a bag, and in it he finds a half-full bottle of clean water. he shouts. and he drinks.

thank God for people who waste, because that day a desperate man got to quench his thirst.

i should waste more food and drink and clothes from now. :)

oh yes, and shoes too of course!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

6:31 PM
current music : Lit - Ziplock

my school seems to be the perfect institution for aspiring thieves and burglars.

last year, there were these craptastically asshatted individuals who made a habit out of stealing handphones and laptops from people's schoolbags, as well as money straight from other people's wallets.

they have since graduated, and to that the entire school says good riddance.

so my classmates and i were kidding the other day about how we can now feel at peace about leaving our stuff in class during recess, now that the plunderes and pilferers of the school have graduated. tranquility! we thought. no more coming back to empty wallets and bare schoolbags and then running spotchecks-in-vain.

but lo and behold, yesterday we came back to class to find our schoolbooks missing!

isnt that grand? private school students are now stealing textbooks and calculators! last year it was handphones and laptops! the previous it was cash and handphones! what the hell is next?

what the hell is happening to my school?

and the funny thing is, we always know who the thieves are. you people should be bloody ashamed of yourselves. if you have the money to afford private school, you should have the money to buy yourselves books and stationery without having to klepto off other people.

how do you sleep at night knowing that you've taken things that dont belong to you?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

1:42 PM
current music : All Stars - What's Going On

sunday evening dinners with the family are always an ordeal of despair. on my part, that is.

and naturally, the cause of such misery is none other than my mother dearest.

sometimes i wish i could write a book that has all my hurt and anguish in it thats relative to my mother and what she does. a book that'll say all the things i never could pluck up the courage and disrespect to say.

if one day i ever do write such a book, i'd make sure that every single page of my book will slap her in the face and let her know what a horrible wife and mother and daughter and person she is. her negligence and ignorance and illogicality and bullshit will be in every single line of my book.

the first chapter will be titled Irresponsibility. the second, Indifference. the third, Bias. and et cetera.

i'll write the confession to end all confessions, the ultimate pouring of my heart to the woman who gave me birth and hurts my heart and my head almost every single time i talk to her. actually, i dont ever remember talking to her. we always talk at each other. she'll say, "turn off the lights." and i'll say, "ma, i need money for the groceries." never, "how was your day?" or a "i'm really upset, lets talk."

when i was younger i used to be really jealous of all the other kids and their relationship with their mom. a ride home in my classmate's car with her mom in the driver's seat feeding her peanut butter sandwiches or a sleepover at my cousin's with her mom coming in to tell us bedtime stories was enough to make me lock myself in the bathroom and sit on the toilet seat crying all day. it was that pathetic.

i always wondered what i did to turn my mother into the person she is today. she wasnt always like this, you know. she used to be this really amazing woman who brought legal pay home, cooked for us and washed the dishes; this kind maternal figure who taught me how to do division and then put me to bed and kiss me on the forehead.

what she does now is ... oh man i cant even find the words to describe how much she's changed.

i always thought it was my fault when i was younger. was it because i got that 96 in maths that she became like this? was it cos i yelled at my younger brother? was it cos i refused to eat the dinner my grandma made me? when she stopped work and stopped coming home i tried so hard to find out what i did wrong, and to right it and make things better. i remember asking my grandma stupid questions like, "do you think i'm a good girl?" and "what kind of behaviour does mummy not like in small kids?" in attempts to understand what the hell i did that made my mom not want to come home to see me.

of course, when i grew a little older, i learnt it wasnt my fault. in fact, i learnt it wasnt my fault when i was 13 on some trip to Pangkor when i overheard my mom telling her friends that she's like that cos she's "just so sick of being a mother".

mom, how can you be sick of being what you have never been?

when i was 11 i was so upset about how my mom was behaving that i came close to doing the book thing. but what i did was write a letter explaining how my brothers and i felt, and i addressed it to some Dear Abby column. i didnt mail it, but i asked my mom to help me mail it. i knew the address would pique her attention, and i knew she would open it.

and open it she did, and she also called me to apologize for not realizing sooner, and also to ask if it was alright to not mail the letter cos it was 'embarassing'.

so that was that. and life resumed and she never did change.

now that i'm 16 going on 17, nothing has changed. i doubt it ever will.


siighy. why do i love my mom so much? why doesnt she love me as much?

this feels like unrequited love.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

9:54 PM
current music : Taking Back Sunday - Number 5 With A Bullet

totally out of season, but that's only because i missed the Dong Zhi festival last 21st of December :P it's not fair that everyone got to eat tong yun and i didnt, and no one should have to live with something so terrible.

and since no one would make any for me, i went and made my own ^^ arent they so pinkishly cute??

i only had like .. 5 white tong yuns in the entire pot. the rest were all pink. i'm so biased.

Friday, January 07, 2005

8:12 PM
current music : MLTR - The Actor

it isnt possible for a 16 year old girl to have wrinkles. or a flabby bum. right?

Thursday, January 06, 2005

10:35 AM
current music : Darude - Sandstorm (chosen by ST)

we all fill out personal data forms regularly. we fill em out when we have to buy a house, or when we want to enrol ourselves in drums class or driving lessons, or when we join a church for the first time.

in school, we've got forms that require each student to fill in the particulars of their parents.

so if one of your parents is dead, and you have to fill out one of those forms that ask for Mother's Name, Mother's Occupation, Mother's Phone Number, Mother's Address ... what do you write?

do you just write her name and put dashes in everything else?

or do you not even write her name at all?

do you cross out the entire section with big black ink gashes?

or maybe you write DECEASED or N/A.

how does it feel when you have to write something like that?

when you do it often enough, does it still hurt each time you do it? or does it get so perfunctory that it becomes something as usual as pouring cream in your coffee?

random ponderings by a girl in her school's IT Lab.

hmm. another one. say you're at this moment in time. say .. 23rd August 2005. then you time travel to the future, to 8th October 2010. then you read a book, say To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. you finish it, and you travel back to the 23rd of August in 2005.

so, reading that book. was it your past or is it your future?

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

1:18 PM
current music : Keane - Bedshaped

it's back to school for me :)

back to waking up at 11am and rolling back to sleep
back to discovering i'm out of clean white socks
back to wrestling with my shoelaces
back to making breakfast
back to rushing Ms Doh's homework at 6 in the morning
back to ignoring all other homework
back to stacking books up on my school desk for a makeshift pillow
back to getting McDonalds delivered in during class
back to saying, "hey man, i've got chemistry this morning .. let's go for breakfast?"
back to scribbling on sieutheng's table
back to making stupid faces at aira
back to ruffling jovann's (carefully styled metrosexual) hair
back to laughing at hiao juniors
back to Trixionary on Hitz.FM
back to Sri Garden asam laksa
back to annoyingly irritating school assemblies
back to sweet talking the guards into letting me out during school hours
back to Miss Geetha's duck-cross-mouse voice
back to Darren pawning everyone with his ultimate knowledge
back to coffee kau
back to pink stationery and pink folder and pink bag and pink scrunchie and ..
back to classroom politics
back to pushing thru the throng of 'toilet girls' primping at the sinks just to use the toilet
back to arguing with my brothers in the morning
back to my mom coming out of her room to tell us to shut up
back to drinking out of sieutheng's water bottle
back to avoiding Pn Norma
back to my allowance (!!)
back to maggi goreng tak mau sayur tambah perencah over crappy tuition times
back to eavesdropping on bimbo conversations in the washroom
back to being extremely hyper due to sleep deprivation
back to trying to read sieutheng's sms-es
back to who's-going-out-with-who gossip
back to going into the staff room and getting loads of lil snacks
back to pointless projects and extensive essays
back to passing around mints in class
back to making shopping lists in class
back to playing Guess That Song
back to observing how people steal in the cafeteria
back to eating Quarter Pounders in front of Ms Geetha (who's vegetarian)
back to towering above my chemistry teacher
back to tickling my chemistry teacher's stomach
back to having him stomp on my shoe
back to horrid exams and lots of cheating (not me :P *halo*)
back to smsing my extremely brilliant boyfriend for physics/chemistry exam answers (okay, me)
back to .... a lot of things
back to school.

wow man. i never realised how much i missed school during my 3 month break. it's kinda sad that this is gonna be my last year in Sri Garden. it's gonna be hard to leave this place after 11 long years, despite all of its shortcomings.

first day of school kinda stank, though. the bloody morning assembly in the hall spoiled everything. my school now has this .. woman thing .. who yaps and yaps and oh, yaps. i mean, come on, it's the first day of school, let us show some enthusiasm why dont you? she kept shutting everyone up and bringing up discipline matters on the first day of school. and then she made everyone get out of the hall and come back in again because apparently we need *training*.

and really, the way she picks on people is amazing. you just have to walk up to any teacher and ask, "you hate her dont you" and they immediately know who you're talking about. and of course, they hate her la.



no more sharing fries with Mr Mani :( he resigned.
no more helping Pn Jam translate biology notes. she resigned.
no more Princess Fiona. she resigned too.
no more batting eyelashes at Mr Kaneson to get into the IT lab during class hours. he resigned too.
no more being irritated by Sultan :P
no more watching Justin sleep in class
no more having to look at Pn Aisha's really boring face
no more form4 anything
no more slacking, spm year (riiiiiiiight.)
no more wasting time, i've only got one more year in my beloved school

Sunday, January 02, 2005

9:02 AM
current music : Bright Eyes - It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends

a clam, a food processor, a penguin, a doraemon wannabe, a piece of plasticine and a straight lesbian.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

4:50 AM
current music : A Perfect Circle - Imagine

holy shit. is it already 2005?

happy new year, everybody :D here's to an awesome new year ahead of us.

i start school in 2 days. maybe then i'll finally start to be a bit more organised, in comparison to the misbehaving slob i've been for the past 3 months of school break.

my 2004 flew by. everyone's probably already done the whole summarizing-the-past-year in their respective blogs/journals already, so what i'm gonna do now is look for someone to go for breakfast with me.

what should i eat?

anyways. i hope y'all have at least done something to help out the Tsunami victims. for malaysians, go here or here to do your bit.

while i was out earlier, i heard lots of people bitching about how the government had nixed all the New Year parties/countdowns this year because of the tsunami. they were saying how inconsiderate the government was being and to quote one black-clad rainbow-haired smoking girl, "Not all of us actually care about the tsunami." and to quote another person, "the tsunami is over ... they should let us have our fun now. stupid government spoils everything all the time!"

wow, huh?

i realize that malaysian teenagers just love an excuse to gripe and groan about our government. sadly half the time i believe they do not know what they are talking about.

happy 2005, people ;) be good this year!

ps : remember to donate!! >.< PLEASE.